:: American Angst :: |
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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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So. George has discouraged me from applying to be a contestant on Jeopardy! (hey..it's their exclamation point, not mine). It's not that I'm not smart enough to play (well...not totally) it's just that when I know the answer but it's on the tip of my tongue and the asshole contestant calls out the answer a millisecond before I do, I am then forced to screech "FUUUUUCK!" So George thinks it'd be best that I not appear on the show...he seems to think they'd frown on my penchant for Tourette-like cursing when my competitive side kicks in and I'm not fast enough to display my brilliance.
So the last question of the episode, where the contestants write their responses in jagged handwriting on little computer monitors, was the following: "The first name of this man - born february 15, 1564 - was derived from his parents' surname, a common Tuscan habit at the time." The hell? Well obviously I don't know the answer...and judging from my previous responses to questions (or is it answers?) that I didn't know (Gracie: "NUGGET! What is a NUGGET!" Trebek: "The correct question is Hand.") I didn't even attempt to determine the correct response. Instead I let loose with:
Gracie: "Someone write 'Fucker'!! DO IT!! It's a name AND a habit...Come ON! Someone do it!"
They didn't. One lady (who I am not entirely convinced was an actual woman) wrote a question mark. The smug guy who, earlier in the show, confidently yelled out the word malapropism and looked wildly stunned that he was wrong (oooohhh the irony), wrote 'Shakes. Peare.' (on two lines) and the third guy? The one who wrote the correct answer? He wrote 'Galileo'
Gracie: "The hell is THAT?? What the hell kind of habit is Galileo???"
George: (pointing to Gracie): "Gal. I. Lay....Oooh!"
Yeah...somehow I don't think the producers will be knockin' down our door.
Have any of you seen Lisa Kudrow's new show The Comeback? Ohhhh it's so deliciously painful. She plays an aging has-been actress who used to star in a sitcom years ago (and whose impression of herself is much higher than anyone else's.) She's been hired to do a new sitcom where, initially, she was told that she would be playing one of four smart, single women in their thirties. She was supposed to be an architect or something, and she's just so smug about being the 'star' coming to the show. She soon learns that the entire show has been rewritten and she is now the much older aunt -- a bit part to be optimistic -- and her costars are young hotties in their early twenties. At the same time, the studio is filming a reality series with her character as the star, chronicling her comeback. The camera crew has no interest in her whatsoever, and take large delight in filming her painful rebuffs from any and all humans. Ohhh it's wretched in the best of ways. The head writer on the fake sitcom hates. her. guts. and shows it unabashedly; not just in the awful part she's playing, but directly to her face, and when the 'reality' cameras capture these insulting exchanges, her character tries so hard to pretend she's not hurt by it or that she doesn't realize what he's doing. It's painful. And I love it. I was also pleasantly surprised to note during the ending credits that Lisa co-wrote and produced the show, which makes it that much better. It was like watching a Christopher Guest movie...except I get to revel in the awkwardness weekly. Awesome.
Or perhaps you've seen the commercial set in a grocery store where one woman just walks right up to another woman in the Sanitary/Hygiene aisle and asks 2nd Woman about Stinky Twat. And the 2nd woman? Dooooesn't even skip a beat or look offended...just agrees and is all "Oooooh, I HATE that."
The hell??? Friggin' gross.
Email exchange from earlier today:
-----Original Message-----
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
laugh my ass of pictures
girl showing poop
shitty asshole
"runaway bride" tits eyes
cologne fire hazard
faster than shit goose
news stories+baby boiled
serena williams a drag queen
ding dong tits
pms how men should be understanding
"told me to bite"
sexy traffic reporters
sexy pictures of couples at the dinner table
funny pictures first name of dumb american
"you need a good beating" [George! Quit playing with Google!]
spanky bottom
boss de wow
pee dance cartoon
i pee in my pants [friggin french people freak me OUT]
take my pusy [only if you take my dick-shun-arry]
why do fingers turn pruny?
"in my ass" [I don't even want to KNOW if these two searches are related...]
big ass oprah pictures
jennifer wilbanks sucks [then take the ring back and don't show up at the church...duh.]
how big are oprah's tits
what's wrong with jennifer wilbanks eyes [they don't have an off switch? I've known two people who are wide-eyed weirdos and both were ridiculously insecure. Oh and liars...]
lick my pussy you black bitch [aaahahahahahaha. no.]
lil kims boobs real or fake [with that kinda sag goin' on? Either they're real or she was taken for a ride by her plastic surgeon and oughta sue.]
a man says shhh in gracie films
pee burns
old snatch
pimps and there whore pictures [isn't it funny that, if you knew the difference between 'there' and 'their', you probably would be checking stock symbols on msn.com instead of being made fun of on American Angst??]
"colonoscopy blues" [more like browns, but whatever...]
i hate paula abdul
kid pees and dies from rock
my sister has a perfect ass [and YOU my friend have a perfectly fucked up mind.]
pictures of horse feces
demi moore fart
girl pooping in the park
bitch shutup pictures
tushy meaning
wrongness of the day
lick my ass and smell my fart [see above]
who the fuck cares nancy grace
thunder thighs fucked
bailey and bella [welp. Looks like mah stalker's back!]
i enjoy to pee in my pants [see?? Friggin French]
i love girls farts [Friggin UK?]
buy american shit
gracie's day off video [ooooh, wouldn't that be FASCINATING]
how to get my dog to screw my pussy
turn around and grace me with your beauty
i door ding a coworkers car etiquette
breast freaks
fart porn galleries
need ass picture [need??]
nancy grace freaks out
cuddling while sleeping [gross.]
smell pantyhose
what to do about an irritated pusy [ooooh I dunno...quit fuckin and stay in SCHOOL!? Learn how to SPELL??]
breast whip
i am freakin' hungry!!!
picture of people peeing in there pants [see? there's a theme here...the less educated...the more deranged]
get pms tushy
english people are sexy
marriage sucks for the man [oh please have a glass of Fuck Right Off]
my wife sells her nude body [maybe this is WHY your marriage sucks??]
do girl guineapigs bleed? [oh. my. GAWD.]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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