:: American Angst :: |
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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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Conversation the other night:
Gracie: "Kiddo!"
The Kiddo: "What!"
Gracie: "You need to take a shower tonite!"
Kiddo: "I know!"
Gracie: "Well you better do it in the next 10 minutes or your new nickname is Stinky!"
Kiddo: "I'll take the nickname!"
Gracie: "Get in the effin shower, ya little bastahd!"
George: "Don'tcha HATE it when those backfire on ya??"
Yes, yes I do.
American Idol Stupi-DITTY:
Ohhh, what. the FUCK. was Nadia Turner THINKING?? I'm pretty sure the song sucked, but I was so mesmerized by that hideous mohawk that I couldn't quite pay attention to the tune. George wasn't home and I was sad that he couldn't be here on the couch to hurl insults at the television with me. Happy to report that, no less than 10 seconds into the song, my phone rang and when I answered it all I heard was hysterical laughter. It was George. Someone had their t.v. on and he saw Nadia and fell OUT laughing and had to call me. While listening to his choking sobs of laughter my cellphone rang and I answered to hear my MOTHER'S choking sobs of laughter over the very same thing. In stereo! I not only love the fact that we share the same sense of humor (and meanness) but that the first thing people do when they SEE something so sadly funny is CALL GRACIE!
So back to poor Nadia. Perhaps next week if she loosens the hair back to normal she'll get her voice back. Wheeuhhyyuck. Ohhhh and Constantine...singing David "The Universe Revolves Around Me" Cassidy was appropriate ego-wise, but he's such a doof. Didja see him holding his microphone backwards? *Rolls eyes* And what the HELL is that accent he sings with?? "Ahh Thank Ahh Lee-owe yee-owe!" oy. Please just stop it. Hear me hon: You are NOT the sexpot you seem to believe you are. You're a guy with an average voice. Friggin DEAL. And believe me...I KNOW somethin' about thinkin' you're sexy when you're SO NOT.
Along the same lines, did anyone else notice that Mikalah, during her pre-song interview, suddenly didn't have her accent with her? Which just proves my point that she's a complete phony. I just don't like her. Ohhhh there she goes again....WHY does she sing from the back of her nose/throat? Why can't she just sing? She has potential but she needs to figure out who she is and stop trying so hard to be cute n' amazing n' goofy. And Randy, saying "I miss that young, energetic, blah-blah-blah" can just piss up a rope. She was annoying as hell that way.
Ohhh the poop squat. There it is. "Tonight at 11 Bob Stinkellflitzer will tell us that Vonzell and Jessica took equal shits on stage during tonight's performance!"
P.S., Jessica's little raspy voice crack? LOVE that.
We must all pause for a moment now and genuflect toward Carrie Underwood and her rendition of Heart's Alone. Holy shit that girl can sing. If she doesn't win this competition I will....I will...do somethin'.
Plea to Southern People: There are two car dealership commercials currently running (one on television, one on the radio) and neither make sense to me. Please help:
The first is a Dodge commercial, and it sounds like country singer Terri Clark (whose manly voice and persona Gracie H-A-T-E-S) and she sings what sounds like "Come trigger in the new south, better in a Dodge." I'd really like to know just how, exactly, you are supposed to 'trigger in' anything, let alone the 'new' south?
The second is a Toyota commercial, and it sounds like it's being sung by the lead singer of the '80s group Vixen and she sings "Toooooyyyyota one-stop...save Tom 'The Body' Getz, Toyota quality care!" Now...I just want to know who Tom 'The Body' Getz is, why he's known as 'The Body', and what the HELL that has to do with Toyota???
Have you seen the commercials for the new movie with Drew Barrymore and...that guy from SNL...Jimmy Fallon? Is that who that is? Anyway, the baseball movie. There's a clip where Drew's character says: "At what point do you say to yourself 'I'm counting on you to be the one?'" and it just drives me UP a wall. WHY would you count on YOURSELF to be the one? And, more importantly, scold yourself for not currently BEING the one?? Obviously it was a bad editing splice, but still pisses me off...eet deess-appoints me.
Have I told you about my former love affair with Shaun Cassidy? No? Ohhhh let me just. I was about 8 or 9 years old...it was the late '70s when the Cassidy brothers were all the rage and I was not immune to the charms of Shaun. I did, however, HATE David. Even at such a tender young age I could tell that he was an arrogant prick. Yep. But my schoolgirl crush on Shaun was the extent of my girliness. Well...that and the dresses my mother made for me...they were too cool not to wear. That's where it ended. I was a complete and total tomboy. I climbed trees, ran around barefoot, climbed houses and hung out on the roof, looking down over creation...ran with the boys...built forts, you name it. SO not a girly-girl. There was one boy in our crowd named Shannon Daugherty and he hated me. At least I thought he did...my mother swears that he had a crush on me, but I was too young to get that boys are mean to you when they like you. And he was mean. He snapped rubber bands at my bare legs and arms; he pulled my hair; tripped me; hid behind bushes and jumped out at me trying to make me pee my pants; made fun of me; threw ROCKS at me (and hit me with a huge one right between the eyes one day) and just generally harassed me. The other boys would sometimes join in and I just didn't understand why boys were so mean. So one day I was trying to figure out how to make them realize that I was just so amazingly wonderful and likable so they'd stop throwing shit at me and came up with the most brilliant idea. I would SHOW them how desirable I was by inventing an imaginary boyfriend. At NINE years of age. But rather than come out and brag about said fake boyfriend, I chose the passive-aggressive route and instead told my DIARY about my boyfriend. And it wasn't just any boyfriend, oh no no no. It was Shaun freakin' Cassidy, y'all. Go ahead and cringe like I just did...it's required. I kid you not, I spent several weeks LYING to my DIARY about my boyfriend Shaun Cassidy and how much he loved me and desperately wanted me to come out to Hollywood and be with him so he could go back to focusing on his detective work with the other Hardy Boy, because with me so far away in Connecticut, well he just couldn't THINK without me.
God. WHAT an imagination, eh?? Hey! I heard that! It's i-m-a-g-i-n-a-t-i-o-n, not c-r-a-z-y! Turd. What's worse, I wrote all this stuff, but didn't show anyone...didn't pass it around to my friends...not like we exchanged diaries every morning to find out what was going on with each other, nope. Not once. So why did I think lying to my diary would change how they treated me?? Shannon certainly wasn't going to be in my house, let alone rooting around my room, understanding that my diary was hidden in my panty drawer, instinctively knowing which page to flip to in order to learn of my celebrity affair, suddenly realizing that WOW, if SHAUN likes Gracie, then WE GOTTA! Fucking 'duh. I was SMART, I tell ya. And not a little pathetic. Needless to say, my affair was never found out, and the taunting, as you may have guessed, continued until we moved away.
I bet Shaun still pauses now and then to wonder how I'm doing...where I am....and whether I ever think of him.
I do, baby...I do. Shhhhhh. Don't cry.
Latest Search Terms:
"how to humiliate" + wife
Fran Drescher Porn [People, HEAR ME! FRAN DRESCHER was NEVER in a PORN MOVIE! FUCKSSAKE! LET IT GO!!!]
bill handel loser [blasphemy!]
granny's twat [get help. NOW.]
laugh my ass out [ouch]
hey answer the freakin phone [heh.]
pain locked ass wall
cute nicknames for your wife [oh tell me you're joking...you have to look it UP?]
smokahontas
dog love porn [ohhhh now they have to be in LOVE??]
in love with my stalker [yeah...nevermind...I think I prefer dog love.]
american turd association [David Cassidy: President!]
taking a wicked shit
my husband is so stupid
romantic walks to the convenience store
drugs in macarthur park
granny xxx
stressed out my ass cat
"don't want to be a lesbian"
shut up gracie [hahahahahahha no.]
old ass woman
right up my ass
photos of portuguese men in nude [tired of the pussy are ya?]
twat head
mr. bigg's time to go to trial
standard words for daily usage in hi five english [so is that this decade's 'ebonics'?? what.]
pantyhose + today at work
fuck you right back
"wore pantyhose" -senator -namath [I almost want to look]
she let out a big fart
snot nose lesbian
my +husband is +really +dumb"
fading looks 30s [tell me about it honey]
photographs +gay men +daisy duke shorts [ohhhh lawdy]
bottle in ass [let us pray that this was not the same person as the gay boy daisy duke shorts guy up there.]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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