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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!!

It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done!

Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006
How Much Are YOU Worth?

Dear Hollywood producers, actors, singers, writers, etc.,

You, your show, your music, your style of writing are NOT groundbreaking. You are not the first person, writer, show, or singing group to do...ANYTHING. Please...rest your back-patting arms. You have talent, most of you, but pleeeease stop telling us what brilliant trailblazers you are. It's a tired standard among the lot of ya, and I am here to help you let go of this arrogant, incessant need to convince yourselves that you and your project were bigger and better than it actually was (because, really, that's the only person you're snowing, babe.) Honestly, no more press junket interviews, behind-the-scenes DVD speeches, or VH1 Behind The Music blatherings wistfully reminiscing about your project and how what you did had Never Been Done Before and how far ahead of its time it all was. And just because you all SAY it? Don't make it true, yo.

Also? Enough with having a writer, editor, or person related to writing or editing in some form or fashion in EVERY. SINGLE. MOVIE.





American Angst Advice Column


Ok -- HUGE Fan...So, I thought you would be the best person to make, well...make fun of this situation.


I met this guy in October & we were going real strong for about a month when I kinda snapped b/c I hadn't been totally honest with him about my feelings (totally my fault, I know) but we sorta broke up for like a week. He was really pushy with moving the relationship along & I was just coming out of a very long & mentally draining relationship & extra stress about being very serious with him was not sitting well with me. So we screamed some really mean things at each other & didn't talk for like 5 days. Then he called me & had done a complete turn around, admitted that he was too pushy & asked me to always be totally honest with him. OK, yeah where's the help right? Here goes -- Skippy (no not his real name) is kind of a sex addict (I think - but not in the scary uncontrollable kind of way)

He says that he being 24 is in his prime of sexual libido and I won't hit that until around 40. I'm 27, not even close...So he wants way more sexual release than me. Naturally, his penis took over the conversation & as we were getting to know each other again he mentioned that he pleasured himself several times a day to try to get me out of his head. Not sure how orgasm makes you FORGET about someone -- usually aren't you thinking about them... (still in quandry over this).

He said (and I quote) "I beat off like 8 times a day every day since we haven't been talking."

Do I really need that graphic detail?

Secondly, every time we get together - his penis would like to get reacquainted with my body, but his mouth feels the need to tell me that he "already beat off today so the tension is not as great".

We went out with my parents one evening and in the car on the way there he informed me that he "beat off 3 times today so that there would be no tension while sitting at the table with my parents"

Skippy provides many details about the type of visualization (read: PORNO) he uses, lubrication and mental images of us that provide him maximum pleasure.

So, Gracie -- is it normal for Skippy to tell me so much detail about his masturbation habits?

How many ejaculations am I worth?


George & Gracie's Responses:

Wow. Okay. Well. Just going to jump right into the heavy stuff, aren't we? All righty.

Gracie's Advice: First, LOVED the sig line. But enough small talk.

Clearly this is a man who is extremely controlling. In addition to his little head games, anyone who would push a relationship to such a serious level after dating for just a month? That man should be draped in a red flag.

To be fair, it could just be that he is insecure, needy, and losing you once scared him. He didn't want to lose you again, wanted to make sure that you knew how much he wanted you, and felt that expressing his...uh...hobbies while you were separated would make you feel desired and loved, making sure you wouldn't slip from his grasp again. SUCH a mistaken thought process, but possible.

But that's not what I think is going on here.

It's normal to want a committed, loving relationship. We all want that. It's also normal that, when you start dating someone, you will wonder where it might lead, how compatible you might be, to try picturing yourself with that person in your future. Every now and then sneaking in thoughts about what your kids would look like; if the other person would make a good parent, etc., is something we've all done at one time or another. But it's not healthy to bypass the typical dating rituals of gradually getting to know each other, and instead leap right into Serious Relationship Territory. And giving you gory details of his 'habits'? That's a control mechanism designed to kill many birds with one gross stone: you feel guilty, unsure of yourself, as though you are failing to live up to your 'duties', of not measuring up and worrying that he may look elsewhere since, in his opinion, you aren't giving it up as often as he thinks he needs or deserves it, especially since he's 'in his priiiiime'.


While masturbation is normal and healthy (EIGHT times a day, though? Wowza) discussing it, frequently and as a tool to make you feel bad about yourself, is NOT. These are just the first steps in making sure you 'need' him. He is insecure and worried about being rejected, yet he has little in the way of social (or relationship) skills, so he's embracing the Emotionally Abusive Fast Track by instilling guilt and insecurity. Not cool.

Also, it's just creepy. Not because he 'takes care of himself' but because he kept telling you about it. And on the way to your parental sit-down? Just EW.

I have two suggestions for you. My personal preference is the second. Here they are:

A) Sit down with Spanky McPulls-A-Lot. Attempt to have a clear, open discussion about what each of your expectations are regarding sex. Do not have this conversation within 24 hours of being 'intimate'. Do not allow yourself to get defensive, and make sure that the way you speak about this issue doesn't beg him to get defensive. Make sure that your statements aren't accusatory (such as "You always..." this and "You never..." that.) Keep them general and self-facing ("When you tell me -blah-, it makes me feel -blee- and I'd appreciate it if you could instead tell me things like 'bloo'".) Sincerely ask what his needs are and listen. Decide if what he expects is something you are willing and able to give. If not, you need to tell him this and either discuss a compromise or what it means in terms of your relationship going forward. The last thing you need is for either of you to feel resentful toward the other due to a bedroom incompatibility. You both need to seriously consider the differences in desire and decide whether you're both willing to spend the next month, year, or lifetime feeling unsatisfied; one for being made to feel guilty for not giving in and doing something you don't want to do, and the other for having needs that aren't being met. This isn't a small issue and it needs to be addressed.

Second option?

B) End it. Now. Be alone with yourself for a while and try to figure out why you chose this person and what, in your past, has dictated that this sort of treatment is acceptable for you. Considering this situation, and your alluding to a previous ("mentally draining") relationship, I think a little self-introspection is called for here. Being treated like crap is not okay. Especially when you've rushed toward it. It will suck every ounce of joy you possess, it'll make you sick, and it's counterproductive. Once you realize that you're better than that, that you deserve better than that, and get right with yourself, you'll be ready to date again and you'll be better able to recognize the signs of a dangerous, toxic relationship. You'll take things slower, get to know a person over time, enjoying things from moment to moment, without taking the relationship's temperature too often. The "I Love You" conversations will happen further down the road, naturally, and will feel 'right' instead of rushed. I think we can all relate to rushing things in our past, and we can probably all agree that if you find yourself asking "Is this going too fast?" it probably is.

Bottom Line: you already know the answer here...and what you need to do. You just need to convince yourself that you're too good for this sort of treatment; that you are strong--and worthy--enough to make the brave decision of being on your own by breaking free from this man, especially when the man in question makes you question yourself, as you are right now, by settling for a man not worth your tears.

But that's just Gracie's opinion.

Here's George's advice:

Put together a gift basket that includes latex gloves, lube, porn, dirty magazines, tissues, etc. and send him on his way. Dump him. Dump him NOW. Also, as a parting gift, sign him up for a dating service and make sure the ad states 'Single Male Freak seeks 40+ sex addicts who have no confidence and enjoy being beaten down, who look forward to, a few years down the line, wondering how the hell they got here and what they did wrong...to deserve this life...wondering why he hates you so much when you looooove him and have so much more love to give; who will gladly ignore the signs that he's 'entertaining' on the side; Only those with high tolerance for Penicillin need apply.'

If you aren't able, ready, or willing to drop this guy, then try this: Make up some elaborate stories about YOUR masturbation habits and, each time he tries to get intimate with you, tell him "Awww, no honey, sorry, I'm too tired from MY sessions. Maybe on Saturday?" and see if he is interested in you from the waist up.

Good luck.


Do YOU have a question for George & Gracie? Send it in!


do not let the dog lick your panties

"i hate my wife"

"orgasm faces"

girls farting to torture guys

ding chickens done

who is the creator of apple pie? [mom]

porn tomboy

snot nose movies

"stinky twat"

cops fucky girls

naked crotches

stupid naked people

duck tape my tits [okay, a) it's DUCT tape, and b) WHY?]

ding dem fries are done

rate my pie

happy holidays from burger king

why do men find mini skirts so sexy

soccer moms enemas

sexy grocery girls

boobs "bigger than" "my mom"

nude women with hoodies


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Last 5 Entries:

How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006

Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006

Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005

Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005

Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005

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