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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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No, I didn't forget you, my minions. I know...I've so neglected my peeps. So here's the deal: Not only was it the end of our quarter (our end is 2 weeks past everyone else's...would take too long to explain why and would put you to sleep) and, in addition, I have a business trip coming up and have been going insane trying to prepare for that as well as doing my regular job. *insert Charlie Brown Wail here* I will try to make up for it while I'm away, but I WILL be in Vegas, so don't hold me to it...
American Idol:
Damn. I had SO many notes for last week's show, but didn't have time to type them up for you. I'd do it now, but it's too late...and due to that lateness, it would surely bore you to tears. I have to warn you before we begin: It's after midnight, I'm exhausted and not in the mood to proofread this whole thing and make it perfect, so be gentle with me when you find what are surely about a dozen errors. Moving right along.
Nice to see that Carrie was first for a change. And did anyone else notice that, for Carrie White Girl, Paula-Ding-Dong didn't dance like a groupie? Guess she only saves that for men and anyone who isn't pale.
After Vonzell sang, Paula had to open her mouth, much to my dismay. Here is her latest slice of genius: "I was nervous because Christina is Christina." Wow. Now that's DEPTH, baby.
Okay, now I KNOW that I'm not crazy. This is the second week in a row that there have been pimps in the audience. Why? Who are they? How did they get there? Is there some Pimps-Go-To-L.A. sweepstakes out there or somethin'?? Click Here to bring yo'seff up to speed, my nigga!
Newsflash: Ryan = moron. He was discussing Vonzell not speaking on Tuesdays to save her voice. But he, of course, says that everyone else writes HER post-it notes. Duh. How does everyone ELSE writing post-it notes to Vonzell save HER voice??
Ryan: "Stay tuned for Anthony Federov who will be singing Celine Dion."
George: "OOoooo hooo hooo. HE is goin' HOME. What's he gonna do? Have someone squeeze his NUTS every time he needs to hit a high note???"
Awwww, Anthony's parents were SO sweet. And wow. He was pretty good! Never would have expected a guy to sing Celine and not make me want to slit my wrists.
Was anyone else alarmed at the sight of Constantine's brother??? Dude needs to eat some Spanakopita! God.
Constantine needs to just accept the fact that he is NOT cool and he never will be; that he is NOT a rocker, and he is not tough. He is a tremendous dork. Nothing wrong with that..I should know..just friggin' OWN it. George's less polite comment: "Dude. He makes the Village People look straight!"
Paula: Could you possibly say "Having Said That" one more time??
I think it's hilarious that Paula was so subdued tonight. And I know why. It's because that riDICULOUS People magazine article came out, whining that she isn't a drug addict. No, she's just naturally stupid and has an illness, and she's trying to be all "Quit makin' fun of me and feel sorry for meeeee." Now don't get me wrong, I have been blessed with more than one painful disease, neither of which there is a cure for, so I am well aware of the pitfalls of chronic pain, I am. And I feel for people who work through that sort of pain without just giving up. However comma....there is Paula. She obviously wrote that article herself, because it was the most stilted, unintelligent piece I have ever read. It was about 240 short sentences, much like this:
"I am me. I am pathetic. I have pain. I was a cheerleader. Then I fell. Then my neck hurt."
Ohhhhhh it was painful. And total CRAP. I am not saying (well...not completely) that she isn't being truthful about her illness and lack of intoxication, but there is just a ring of total bullshit to it. It's more of a cry for attention and sympathy than it is an explanation of her behavior, and so NOT the inspirational story she obviously thinks it was. The best part was when she said "I was in so much pain that people would tell me that they couldn't stand to see me in so much pain, so they stopped coming around." Nyyyooooo, it's because you're a whining, pathetic, ignorant loser who could cause the most optimistic person to frantically search for blades sharp enough to slit their wrists. Paula-Ding-Dong? PLEASE shut up. Just really...shut up. Crack a book once in a while. THEN we'll talk. ....Maybe.
Oh. My. GOD. Did you SEE Scott Savol's parents?? I cannot remember the last time I heard George laugh like that. He had tears coming out of his eyes and had to rewind their interview about 8 times and, because of my husband, my stomach now hurts like hell from laughing so hard WITH him. I went to the trouble of taking a picture of the screen for you, so you can feel it with us. Here is George's commentary...at least the stuff that I could understand through the choking laughter:
"HhuhuhuhuhhhhHHHHEEEEEYYYY COOOOOKIE!!! Joo gotta COOOOOKIE? Cuz I wanna COOOOOKIE. Gimmee dat cookie! I yike oreos and vanilla wafers and chocolate chip and oatmeal and chocolate chunk and peanut buuuuuttterrrrr...do you got cookies? I yike COoooookies! waaaaaanna COOOOOOKIE!!!"
Before looking at the pictures, keep this in mind: If he had only made each of these faces once and for a split second, it wouldn't be a big deal; but he wore these faces throughout the entire 'interview'. He looked like this the WHOLE TIME Scott's mother spoke. Friggin' hilarious. Click to share in our joy.
Would someone PLEASE explain to Semencrust that he does NOT need to scold us each Wednesday?? I do not need to hear "What did you DO!?" ever, ever again...no more "YOU did this! It's YOUR fault!" over the results and voting issues. Would someone kindly remind him that THAT IS THE FREAKIN' PURPOSE OF THE SHOW. Moron. Someone goes home every week, ya fuck stick. Now shut it.
Wednesday Night Update: WOOOOOHOOOO!!! Constantine is goin' home!!!! I high-fived George so hard that I hurt myself. Seriously, I think I popped something. Wouldn't THAT be a great story to take on my business trip. "Gracie, why are you wearing that cast? What happened??" "Uhhhhh, I high-fived my husband over a reality show vote-off?" Oooooh, and did you SEE Paula when they announced that Constantfag was going home? Bawling and all stuttering?? Bitching that "This seems to happen every season!" Ummmm...fuckin' DUH! Happens every WEEK dumbass. Don't worry, though, there's still 3 boys and 1 black girl to swoon over, Paula-Walla. And really, I do understand why she wails over the guys getting voted off, because it just speaks to the fact that she isn't mature enough to relate to adults (we've all seen how she deals with her co-judges) and has to obsess over kids. Did you see her molesting Constantine's mother? George was yelling at the television over that one. About how rude it was and how insulting it is to the other contestants. GOD we hate her. Hate Constantine, too, but HEEEEEEE'S GOOOOOOONE!!!!
GOD I need a life.
Nashville Star:
Big N Rich: Hate. Them. Seriously hate them. The 'music mafia' sign? The midget on stage in a pimp outfit (what IS it with pimps lately???) apparently hired to sway back and forth?? The girl next to the drummer PAINTING?? On stage?? The FUCK??? Dude. They are RUINING country music. Guys? Thanks for discovering Gretchen Wilson and getting her heard, but please...go away now.
LeAnn just said, while introducing Brett Michaels, that he "just found out that he's having a baby in May" *shudder* I just need to know WHO in the HELL would breed with him??? No I really need to know this. And wait a second...this is the last week in April. And he JUST FOUND OUT that he will have a baby...who will arrive in a couple of WEEKS? Good God. He really IS the dumbest human on earth.
LeAnn asked Jody something like "So, Jody, what have you 'gotten' out of being on the show?" and his reply? Oh, it's a gem. He said: "I got some climbs on the ladder of a successful music career." Heh. Some Climbs.
Good grief. WHOSE idea was it to put all the contestants, past and present, into a group song? Not only is this the most idiotic portion of these types of shows, but did it occur to them to have these people rehearse? TOGETHER? Because it sounded like camels mating. Virgin-teenage-boy-camel-mating-for-the-first-time sort of singing.
Jason Meadows: "Ah've mee-ussed mah son so much!" Stop saying that! He's been there at every show! We have SEEN him. Stop trying to get the "Awwww ain't he sweet!" vote. We aren't blind!
While they showed the Jason Retrospective clips there was a shot of him kissing his wife. George yells out "OOO! That's IT! He's GAY!"
Gracie: "What? No he isn't"
George: "Yes he IS!" *Rewinds tivo* "Look! Look at how he kisses his wife!!"
*George and Gracie watch him give his wife a peck*
Gracie: "Oh come on. YOU kiss ME like that in public. Hell, you kiss me like that all the TIME."
George: "Wull that's just every DAY kisses. It's not 'about to be a rock star on T.Fuckin.V. kiss!' Dude! If that were me?? I'd hump yer leg right there on t.v.!!" *displays this by making a motion that you should thank me for not describing* and says, at the same time: "UUnh unh unh IIIII'm gonna be a ROOOOOCK STAAAAAR!"
Gracie: "Yeah...I want a divorce."
George: *hits fast forward* "Ooooooh shutthefuckup. We're only a few minutes away from CHRISTMAS, technically, for fuck's sake. Minutes away. We're minutes away from everything, ya meatstick."
LeAnn talking to Erika Jo: "So has it sunk into your little head yet that you're in the top 2?" Sunk into your LITTLE HEAD. Niiiiiice. Does ANYONE treat this girl with respect?
Brett: "Just rock. Bring it." Bring WHAT assface? Thank GOD this show is almost over.
Yay. Erika won! 'Bout time a woman won this thang! Oh man. Seeing her father cry in the audience because he's so proud of his little girl? Yeah, I got choked up. I'm not made of stone, people! Ohhhh how Tamika must be just dying inside that Erika won. Heeehehehehe. Serves ya right, ya poisonous brat.
Aaaaaahahahahahaha!! After announcing the winner, 3 pieces of confetti and 8 balloons fall onto the audience. George's comment: "It's like they stopped at 7-11 on the way over and said 'Okay...this is ALL WE HAVE, so when they fall down, y'all hit 'em back up so it looks like more, okay? We have a $14.00 budget, whaddayawant!?'"
I have no idea what preceded this, because I was typing this entry, but suddenly I hear George say: "Doesn't Erika Jo have a last name?? Prolly Erika Jo Rotten Crotch er sumthin."
I live it every day, people. Every. Day.
We were watching Talk Soup on E! (you HAVE to watch this. The host is a freakin' RIOT.) and they were showing the new pope and George said "I can NOT look at this guy without hearing this in my head: 'VUN! VUN new Pope!! TWO! TWO Pohhhyyy-nty Eeeea-uuuhhhssss!!'" Gracie, of course, was totally LOST here. "WHAT are you talking about??" George, ever the helpful hubby, clued me in: "Didn't you ever watch Sesame Street??"
Gracie: "Yeeeees?"
George: "Don'tcha 'member The Count??"
Aaaaand then Gracie got it and joined her husband in giggling like a child. For your viewing pleasure, I offer the visual...click here to see what I'm talkin' 'bout, Willis.
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
funny curse word dictionary
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"difference between to and too" [THANK you for trying!]
shaun cassidy nickname [Well, back in the '70s I believe the name the boys in my neighborhood gave him was....Gayfer.]
big tits in tight pants [why would tits be in pants, exactly?]
burger king drive-in rage [have you been following me???]
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???my sister is pissin me off
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i just wish that you could love me i know it was dumb
nancy grace trailer trash whore
this morning one nerve left
smack done [Ohhhh, it's NEVER done.]
divorce etiquette for sister in laws [Heh. It's funny on its own, but I do have to wreck the humor a bit by begging people to realize that it's sisterS in LAW, not sister in lawS. Okay. Resume giggling.]
who is the knock it off girl?
cameras at stoplights how they work [mmmmmmagic!]
biotch+explain [Assfucker. No.]
what if scott savol was black
ex-wifes boyfriend trailer
nancy grace, psycho bitch
when to stop wearing corduroy [we've gone over this already: you stop wearing it when your THIGHS catch FIRE.]
sister in law my hand breasts
george bush on scott savol
tits for troops [Is this a new charity??]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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