The following is not based on my current job. It's a compilation of offenses from many OTHER places. Seriously.
Seeing as how the market is in such a slump right now and, coincidentally, many are trying desperately to find gainful employment with a non-dot-com firm, I have decided to provide the masses with invaluable advice that should be used in the pursuit of employment and, if and when you find that pie-in-the-sky job, during your employ.
Let's start at the beginning:
The Resume: Don't do something stupid like proofreading your resume. There are more important things to do, like taping Jerry Springer and having sex with your cousin. Besides, potential employers will see the typos and glaring grammatical errors and will muse "Wow. This one suuuure is busy! Too busy to proofread and correct the First Impression that is his resume. A multi-tasker who knows how to view the Big Picture instead of being bogged down by minutia! Man. We better get him in here, but QUICK!! He = Keeper!
Also, be sure to add statements to your resume, preferably in the 'Objective' section, stating that the extent of your career-seeking activity is limited simply to obtaining a job that "looks good on my resume." I shit you negative...one woman actually placed this on her resume. That, and she forgot to delete half the items from the Microsoft Word cookie-cutter resume template she used to create her work of genius. She did, however, remember to mention her stellar career at Taco Bell and McDonald's. Only. And she was well over 30. I guess I can't blame her for wanting to spice things up a bit on her resume. "Stood in line for upwards of 3 hours for food stamps" is kinda hard to parlay into your job history notes. I know.
Moving on, let's discuss The Interview. You should definitely eschew the old adage "Dress for Success" and instead "Dress for Dumpster Diving". Hey, looking well put-together and decent is for the lame and boring. You're a rebel. You can't be boxed in by Rules Set by the Man. You're too good to iron. Own it. Show up wearing things like sweatpants, a misogynistic t-shirt, no socks, and loafers. OLD, smelly loafers. Also, we will turn up our noses if your clothing is stain-free and unripped. Those people who wear suits to interviews? Total losers. Nerds. Morons. Who likes THEM?! Chuh. We want to know how you look after a 4-day Jack Daniels binge after being dumped by your girlfriend which tossed you into a manic-depressive jaunt that rendered you unable to do things like bathing or laundry. We care about accuracy, my friend, first and foremost.
During the interview, when you are asked why you left your previous job, you will be given brownie points for badmouthing your former employer with a vitriolic flare. Especially if the person you're interviewing with could potentially become your immediate supervisor. They appreciate that brand of honesty. No really...they do.
Once you land the job, here are several priceless tidbits for you to ponder and incorporate into your daily life while on the clock. Your coworkers will LOVE you for it:
Rather than going to the trouble of requesting a meeting with someone, you should instead hang out by the restrooms until they come along. Stop them from their goal of urination and engage them in a 30-minute gab-fest RIGHT OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM DOORS. Not only will the person involved appreciate your casual flair, but the other employees (who are silly enough to wanna make noises in the privacy of the bathroom) will see you as a dedicated employee who would rather chat amidst the background flushing noises than actually work or have normal meetings in those odd enclosures called Conference Rooms. Those of us not involved in your oh-so-urgent-pre-pee-discussion also won't mind having to get on their hands and knees to crawl through your legs in order to extricate ourselves from the bathroom since you are too immersed in ignoring the world around you to actually frickin' MOVE.
Should you be a less ambitious employee, and choose instead to participate in actual meetings, you should, by all means, interrupt every single person who makes the mistake of speaking, to balk at the retardation of company policies and procedures. Always say things like "W-w-whhhat?? W-w-w-whhyyyy?! Who the HELL thought THAT one up??" Once you've successfully gained everyone's attention (which, let's be honest here, is really the point of all your hyperbole, right?) place your hands together in Musing Genius fashion and proceed to spend the next 20 minutes rambling and blathering on and on about N-o-t-h-i-n-g. Your coworkers positively hate earning their paychecks by actually working and will appreciate the diversion. Don't pay attention to constant clues like throat-clearing, eye-rolling, sighing, or any other feeble attempts to steer things back on topic. They're bluffing. They want you to never. shut. up.
Take daily naps. Not in your car, but in a conference room or, for the more tenacious, at your desk. Drool. A lot. Make sure that you sleep in a manner that will ensure an alfalfa. Upon waking, walk around for approximately half an hour while rubbing your eyes and yawning.
Despite working for an I.T. company and being paid more than just about anyone who isn't an actor or sports figure, realize that you don't really need to produce any actual work. Instead, ignore deadlines and requests and do things like play foosball in the cafeteria. Better yet, download several instant messenger programs and chat with friends and international soul-mates all day. Combine with excessive phone calls where you speak loudly about inane items such as your sex life or the blow-by-blow account of your drink fest the night before.
Managers: Hold meetings in which you impart upon your minions the severity of [insert current crisis]. Inform those in your employ that there are to be no vacations taken for the next four months. Demand that they work overtime and weekends and relay the directive that people will not be allowed to go home that evening until all support tickets are closed. Truly believe that this is acceptable, non-lawsuit-worthy behavior. Also, don't forget to schedule two vacations for yourself during the exact time periods that were deemed 'No Time Off' zones.
Managers, Part II: Promote based on the shade of brown housed on the noses of certain employees, the boob size/low-cut shirt ratio, and/or current salary (i.e., the person who makes the most money in the department simply must be the most qualified for the promotion.) Never ever base your decision on skill or past performance. Your employees will respect you less if you do.
Smell. Do it with gusto. Don't wear things like deodorant or underwear. Those are for cowards.
If you're female, adopt an attitude of hysterical bitchiness. Then claim that it's not you, it's that the entire company is simply afraid of you and that, apparently, they are worried that you will...I dunno...punch them in the forehead or something. Wing it.
Turn in work that is deliberately shoddy to prove a point about your disdain for deadlines and authority. It will certainly win you...something. Not necessarily a paycheck, but, you know, somethin'.....
Staunchly refuse to bow to The Man by displaying ambition. Never work toward promotion, yet definitely bitch a white storm when someone else gets promoted. Badmouth them viciously without bothering to base it on any sort of truth or fact. Then go back to playing Quake at your desk.
Document company-wide attempts to poison you, kill your unborn (and not yet conceived) children. Don't forget to write in this logbook your opinion of who the ringleaders are within the company (who are, of course, intent on harming you) as well as which alien life forms and/or government officials are actually behind the whole scenario. Also make sure to tell any coworker who will listen about how Whitney Houston, during a television interview the night before, stopped in the middle of her interview to speak to you through the television. Never EVER take the medication that most certainly has been prescribed to curtail these visions. John Nash cured himself...and so can you.
Female Bathroom Etiquette: Should you feel the need to...move your bowels, follow these simple guidelines:
Enter bathroom
Despite the fact that there are five stalls available, attempt to enter the ONLY one that is not empty. Once you not only try to open the stall door, but upon finding it locked and, curiously unable to be opened, yank and pull and practically kick the door in (making sure to ignore the desperate yelps bursting from the other side of the stall door.)
Advance to empty stall
Cover toilet seat with 1/2 a roll of toilet paper to protect against diseases.
Hover just above the seat and proceed to spray urine over 3/4 of the stall, with the current goal being to get as little urine as possible into the toilet bowl.
With that out of the way, you are now ready to begin your bowel movement, better known as The Waiting Game. This phenomenon occurs when there are two or more women in the restroom at the same time who both have a need to expel processed food. Neither wishes to 'move' first, both subscribing to the common belief that women should neither fart nor poop.
Put stomach muscles to use in an effort to hold in waste.
Hold breath and squeeze fanny muscles each time the processed food threatens to leave your body. Do NOT give in! Your body is at the mercy of you and this game and It Will Succumb!
Be as quiet as possible. Don't move. Don't even breathe or clear your throat. The person who can maintain this game the longest, wins. The prize, of course, being the right to poop freely and alone once the other occupant forfeits the game. She will not do this happily. She will sigh angrily while pulling her pants back on (unrelieved, to be sure.) She will refuse to clean her own urine from the walls, toilet seat, and part of the ceiling as she is too focused on the painful sphincter spasms that can only come from the unfulfilled need to excrete. She will slam her stall door and stomp out of the restroom. Ahhhh, victory is sweet.
Elevator Etiquette: When you see me standing at the elevator doors and the button requesting an elevator is clearly lit, assume I'm an ass who doesn't press buttons properly...that I don't use the correct measure of force/gravitational pull/thought patterns to aptly beckon an elevator. It's okay, I know. Therefore, walk up to the button and press it again. Preferably 6 or 7 times, as this will let the elevator know that you mean business, man, and will surely arrive more quickly. Once you've pressed the button, stand directly in front of the elevator doors...close enough to fog the mirrored surface. The people exiting the elevator you've just called forth will be wildly amused by this stance. As they attempt to leave the elevator, only move half a step to your right, causing the passengers to turn sideways and bend unnaturally in order to extricate themselves. This is proper. The world revolves around YOU and the sooner everyone realizes this, the better.
Interchangeable Words: When typing proposals, emails, plans, etc., realize what Smart People know: that the words 'Your' and 'You're', 'Too' and 'To', and 'Mute' and 'Moot' are interchangeable. There is no right or wrong way to use these words. People will know what you mean and those who are big enough dorks to learn the difference are anal-retentive sticklers who deserve death. (Don't worry, after reading your numerous documents outlining your blatant refusal to crack a dictionary, they will commit suicide anyway.)
Moving On Up: Rather than those idiots who choose to advance along the corporate ladder with hard work and by developing actual skills, choose the fast track: Blow the V.P. ...preferably in oft-used conference rooms at work. Brag about it to coworkers in the bathroom. Act like you have NO clue that nearly the entire company knows and has nicknamed you B.J. and that the majority of them now refuse to attend meetings without latex gloves and seat covers since there are entirely too mainly unexplainable stains.
Management, Part IIIa, IIIb, and IIIc:
When underlings are gnawing legs off to get out from under your crappy management practices and are attempting to move to other departments, block the transfer. This is how people secretly want to be treated. It is sure to inspire great performance and bliss. The respect that your subordinates will have for you following such an action will amaze you.
Decide which employees are least like you and do the least amount of sucking up and announce that they are being placed on Action Plans (i.e., Probation) and will be fired in 30 days should they fail to meet all criteria. Disregard any logic and create an action plan that has nothing to do with the company, the product, the person's job function and/or skills. Instead, include things like lunch behavior and the amount of smiling done throughout the day (despite the fact that the person doesn't work with customers or the public at ALL).
Subscribe to the mantra: "If It Has A Vagina, It Must Be A Secretary." Ignore resumes, education, or any other indication that the female in question may actually be your superior. She knows her place...remind her of it now and then.
Last but not least: When you perpetrate one (or, more likely, a combination) of the above gems and are subsequently hated and/or fired: act utterly SHOCKED.
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New 'You Can Smoke Here Gracie!' addition:
This one comes from Kristin and, at some point in the future when it isn't 1:30 in the morning and I'm not so wiped out, I will add this to the table. For now, here it is in rough format (Thanks Kristin!!):
Location Detail: Corner of Pleasantdale Road and Tucker Norcross Road, in the Tucker Square Shopping Center..
Notes: Quaint lil' dive that's 21 or older to comply with the smoking law.. Bartenders are awesome and very personable - not to mention they look good, too (read: boobies).. Burgers and wings will rock your socks.. Happy Hour 5:30-6:30 on Monday, Wednesday and Friday - Free Munchie Buffet (usually wings) and $2.50 Coors Lite, Miller Lite, Bud, Bud Lite.. Team Trivia on Tuesdays; Acoustic Guitar w/Randy Harper (no relation to me) on Wednesdays; Karaoke on Thursdays; Live Bands on Fridays and Saturdays; Texas Hold 'Em on Sundays.. Brunch specials on Saturdays and Sundays (Kick *ASS* Eggs Benedict).. Satellite jukebox, pool table, video games.. Three big screens.. College Football Saturdays, NASCAR and NFL Sundays.. Of course the Braves and Thrashers any time they play.. Golf Tournaments twice a year.. And Oktoberfest is coming up (break out the dunking machine)!!
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