:: American Angst :: |
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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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Then there are the times such as last Friday....
I walk into the house with George and am all giddy because everything looks so good...so CLEAN. Especially since tomorrow is the pool party we'd planned for my sister's first trip back to the states in several months and I have a million other things to do before everyone arrives and cleaning seriously cuts into those other tasks. So I'm oooooh-ing and aaaahhhh-ing. I'm goofy-clapping because they rearranged my kitchen and it looks BETTER. I only spend a brief moment mentally kicking myself for never having thought of putting things that way. I make my way upstairs to change out of my work clothes (and, more importantly, to gaze in wonder at the cleanliness of my bedroom and bathrooms) and, as I walk into my room, I see something on my dresser that looks out of place. Why yes, yes there IS something out of place. It's a CD. Huh. I walk over to inspect further. Oooooh, shit. It's NOT a CD. It's a DVD. More to the point: It's a PORN DVD. Oh yes. I know that I did not leave it there because a) I don't put anything on my dresser unless it's clothing that won't fit in the drawers, and b) I spent that very morning searching high and low for that very DVD --to hide it from the maids-- with no luck. Aaaaaand there it now was. Riiiiight out in the open.
After the initial shock and the mental "Oooooh NOOOOO" feeling wore off, I began to see the humor. I called out to George:
Gracie: "GEORGE? GEORGE!"
George: "Yeah?"
Gracie: "C'mere"
George: "What?"
Gracie: "Dude. Come. HERE."
He walks into the bedroom and gives me the 'WHAT??' face. I point to the evidence on the dresser. His eyes follow my pointing finger. He sees the DVD. He looks back at me and shrugs. I continue to stare at him with an eyebrow raised and a smirk on my face. Suddenly his eyes begin to widen as realization dawns. Interestingly enough, his jaw drops in direct proportion to his widening eyes. I note this for later use. And then I giggle.
George: "Nnnn-yyyyy-oooooOOOOO!"
Gracie: "OOOoooh, yes."
George: "Nono. NO."
Gracie: "Yep. They found our porn."
George: "Oh god. OH. GAWD."
Gracie: "Heh. I know."
George: "Well that settles it."
Gracie: "Settles what?"
George: "That we'll be canceling the maid service. We will never, EVER use them again."
Gracie: "Like hell! They ROCK!"
George: "Forget it. I will never be able to look them in the face again!"
Gracie: "I love them even more now."
George: "WHY??"
Gracie: "Think about it. They thought I didn't know. They found that DVD and maybe even discussed finding it with the other women on the team, got all 'No he DI-INT!' and decided to put it on the WOMAN'S dresser. Hehhehehe. The maids got my back, honey. That ROCKS!
George: "That's even WORSE. They think I'm a perverted jerk that you need protecting from!"
Gracie: "So?"
George: "So. They don't have any idea that YOU picked that out and bought it!"
Gracie: "I know! Inn'it GREAT??"
I should've known that my joy and pride over this situation wouldn't...nay, COULDN'T last. DUH.
Later that evening I went back into the bedroom with the digital camera to take a picture of its placement for you, my faithful readers. And it was gone. I huffily asked George if he moved it. "Yes, of COURSE I moved it! Ya can't just leave that kinda shit OUT! I put it away!" and I retorted with "But I was gonna take a PICTURE of it for the website!" to which he replied "Aaaaand you can just put it back out there and take a picture...it's not like I ruined the effect or anything...freak."
So the moment was lost...mainly because my 15 year old son walked upstairs at that very moment and the discussion was off. Not just because hearing his parents discuss PORN would scar him, but also because --duh-- he's FIFTEEN. ....he'd STEAL it! Teenage boys ALWAYS steal the good porn!
And of course work called and life called and I got busy and I just didn't have time to go back and set up the shot.
So lately DirecTV has sucked ASS. We had maybe 6 days of actual viewing ability out of the last 30. Not cool. And it's been going on like this for months. I used to love them, really I did. Great channels, sophisticated menus and tivo system...was really happy with 'em until they quit letting us watch TV. And, you know, I sorta have a problem with paying $120.00 per month to watch 8 pixels on the screen and stuttering Penn & Teller sounding like they're doing a bad imitation of Max Headroom. So we made the decision to switch to Comcast. They had a good deal going on and it wouldn't cost us much to switch over...the monthly bill would be about the same, but would add OnDemand and a host of other features in addition to the tivo-like capability known as 'DVR'. George set it up for last Tuesday, then ended up having to go on a last minute business trip, leaving me in charge of letting the Cable Dude into the house and trying to recall all the info George told me about wires and lines and dishes and roofs and splitters and shit.
I managed to remember most of it, relayed it to Cable Guy, and he went outside to Do His Thing. After about half an hour, he came back inside and I had to work SO very hard not to laugh. Apparently mosquito season is here with a vengeance and took said vengeance out on Cable Guy's head. Because he was bald, the bites were VERY visible. And there were SO very many of them. Looked kinda like his head was gonna explode. I decided to be nice and help him out so I went rooting around the house and finally found some Calamine lotion and Off spray. We chatted here and there...he lamented that I got to work from home occasionally and he got to be eaten alive by insects. Things were going well...I wasn't freaking out that he was going to kill me, as I tend to do when I'm alone in the house with a service person (shut up) and all was fine. Until. Aaaalways an 'Until'. He gets the living room cable box set up and has to move on to the master bedroom. He asks me to show him where the television is...where we want the box, etc. I don't like this much, but I decide to keep my goofy fears to myself and be a grownup. I show him to the bedroom, walk over to the television and am standing between the bed and t.v., next to George's nightstand. I'm pointing out the box, feel slightly silly for having 3 boxes on top of the television (satellite box, dvd player, vcr) and am in the process of silently acknowledging that, though it's a bit awkward to be standing in my bedroom with a stranger, I'm actually feeling pretty good that things aren't too weird, and thankful that he's a nice guy (and doesn't smell) and he's working and we're chatting and then...out of the blue, he just...stopped. And suddenly the air changed in the room. He does this weird thing where, though he's turning toward me, he's also turning away. He begins studying my ceiling with extreme intensity. I look up to see what he sees when I feel his arm bump into me. I jump and nearly punch him because I worry that maybe he ISN'T Cool and Decent Cable Guy, but is instead Uncool and Horrible Serial Killer Guy. As I look down to see where I will hit him first, I see what he is doing. He is handing me something.
Nooooooooooo!!! NOOOOOOO!!! It CAN'T BE!!!
NOOOO!! George said he put it AWAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! Oh holy jesusmotherofgod. This can NOT be happening to me! Cable Guy is NOT handing me the porn DVD!! Fuckme! This was funny when it was GEORGE being humiliated and neither of us had to face the Finder of Porn. This? This is what it must feel like to have a bikini wax with a rusty weed-whacker.
I'd like to say that I had some quick, witty little remark and we had a good laugh and I looked reeeally cool and casual, but HELLO? A strange man was handing me my PORN. I just blushed, blinked a reeeeally lot, and stuffed the DVD in one of George's books, while also making a mental note to ensure that he would be punished that night...and not in the good way like on the video. Kidding...it's not one of those videos. But still.
I'm sure the irony of the situation...the friggin' Speedy Gonzalez Karma that is my life's theme is not lost on all of you, and you should all just thank me for being me so none of you have to.
Stupid porn.
New section (though I wouldn't deprive you of the 'Search Term' sickness...that's below too): Since the friggin' law passed in Georgia banning smoking in establishments unless they restrict access to adults 21 years of age and older, I have decided to start a list for us (and any other state with such smoking bans) of those places around our towns that will allow us to smoke before and after eating, since there are so few anymore that aren't just bars, and there are NO lists anywhere that tell you of the good places. And might I just add that if *I* have to go outside to smoke so you don't have to be bothered by my habit, then I think WE should pass a law that requires lazy parents with screaming children to take THEM outside until they behave. I don't think that's asking too much. Part of the joy of the smoking section was the noticeable lack of kids. We could actually hear ourselves talk...no headaches...no irritation that I paid for a sitter so I could have a nice, quiet evening out with my sweetie, only to meet our reservations and find that we were surrounded by whining kids. With the smoking ban now in effect, that joy is gone. The least they could do is convert the former smoking sections into non-kid sections.
Anyway. Starting a list. Right now I only know of two places around town where we can eat at lunchtime and enjoy a relaxing cigarette afterward, while remaining seated inside the air-conditioned restaurant. I'm sure there are more, and I hope you all will start submitting the names and locations of the ones you know about so we can all band together and fill the pockets of those lovely owners with fistfuls of cash!
As the list grows, I'll break them out into their own pages. Don't let me down, now!
Here are my two contributions to the list:
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
sleeping bitch
sleeping bitch pics
sausage fuck
date deaf midget
hiccup porn
ass lick husband
american pee
how to fuck a girl on the first date
help for my fucked up wife [GEORGE! STOP PLAYING WITH GOOGLE!!! It's NOT funny anymore!]
pictures on how to fuck with yourself [start with stabbing and work your way up. Let me know how it turns out.]
method of fucking with picture
pics of bulls mating porn
bitch genitalia
lyrics+my pussy my pussy not my pussy ow
poolboy stories
why do men like boobs
tom eats poop [Note: George has announced that he no longer has any desire whatsoever to meet Tom.]
perhaps love euphonium [ergo: definitely hate tuba.]
tall girls shitting
snot eating free movies
why am i so pissed off at this girl in my home [because she won't pee on you?]
forced my husband to get naked
learn some seductive poses
pictures of nasty yeast infected pussy
richer ass nude
deaf and dumb porn star [WHAT?? I thought they were all Mensa members! DAMMIT!]
dogs faces that stink
why do black men grab their crotches?
wife thumbs
buy a american husband [ahahahhahaha. I can assure you that there are plenty of women who will pay YOU to take them off their hands. BUY 'a' american husband. Now that's funny. Note to George: I would NEVER sell YOU, sweetie. Not even for $1,233,680.22. Nope.]
did barbara streisand do porn film? [oh jesus. let's hope not.]
spiderman fucking someone [Pete? Is that you???]
how to screw a bitch [George: "Same way ya fuck a NON-bitch, 'cept with more slapping!"]
sexy dogs [are you fucking KIDDING me with this???]
camel dollars porn
no respect porn
can i see lil kim tits [like it's difficult.]
squeeze black ass
squeeze nuts [what's with all the pain???]
welcome to burger king, can i take your order? [yep, I'll take a fat-free whopper with all the taste of the real thing please. Oh, and a diet coke.]
girls on toilet shitting nasty at work
fucking feminists
women shitting no sign up
carrie who the hell do you people think you are [uhhhh, I'll take a shot in the dark and say CARRIE.]
indian girls fart [nuh UHHHH]
i hate my wife, what the fuck do i do? [buy her jewelry? Get counseling? Be nicer to her? Think of HER and HER needs for once? Suck it up and deal? Unless she's just a mean, lying bitch...then you just have to beat her.]
gum that makes boobs big [Dammit. All this time I thought it was genetics that burdened me with these things. And all along it was Big League Chew!?!]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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