:: American Angst ::

Friday, Dec. 16, 2005 Ohhhh That Could Be Me.... I laughed WAY too hard at THIS STORY, and I think it's mostly due to the fact that I could TOTALLY see myself doing it. Seriously. That. could. be. ME. I will guaranTEE you that she isn't just some lunatic with rage issues; that the 'bump' in the checkout line was just the final straw. I'll bet my left BOOB that the old bat she went off on had spent the last hour in that store completely oblivious to anyone else alive...had blocked the aisle with her cart (parked sideways and in the center of the aisle, no doubt!) ...had slammed her cart into the woman's ankles 2 or 6 times...walked -12 miles per hour but down the CENTER of the aisle so nobody could pass...swiped the last eight mp3 players not leaving just one last one for someone else, even though she has no grandchildren, but instead planned to sell them for twice their cost on eBay. And when they finally got to the checkout lane, she did things like asked for a sub-total after each item, pulled out a boxful of coupons, paid with a check and change (because she refuses to write her checks for anything but full dollar amounts and then digs around in the bottom of her purse for 82 cents in pennies) and, after 20 minutes of this, decided that there was no WAY she was going to pay $1.12 for those extra-support, control-top pantyhose and bumped into Shops with Fists� on her way to the BACK of the store to exchange them for the ones that were 4 cents cheaper. I'm just saying... ********************************* I've heard somewhere that serial killers start out by torturing and killing animals and then progress to people. It used to appall me that anyone, anywhere could cause any sort of harm to any animal, whatsoever. Oh, until. The GAWDAM SQUIRRELS TOOK OVER MY HOUSE!!!! Email thread between me and George yesterday (he was at work, I was working at home): -----Original Message----- From: Gracie Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2005 To: George Subject: siiiigh what next?? Welp...it's finally happened. A few minutes ago we were all peacefully existing on this gloomy day. I was working and had Cold Case Files on television in the background. Bella was sweetly snoring in her crate, and Bailey was curled up in a fuzzy little ball on the couch. Ahhh, how I miss the serenity. Suddenly we all jump about 3 feet in the air due to a most inappropriate and unexpected sound: something connecting -violently- with metal. The hell? It soon became crystal clear: The squirrels that have been pissing us off? That we thought we'd expunged from the chimney? The ones who, when we groggily sit on the toilet in the morning and gaze out the window above the bathtub at the pretty trees (which were covered with beautiful icicles this morning! Preeeeetty!) and we see the lil fuckers hopping from tree to tree and, lately, hear them up above freakin' CHEWING on the roof of our HOUSE?? Yes, them. They finally managed to chew their way into the house a few minutes ago and are now in the midst of a rousing rendition of Attic Fan Jig (prolly cause the acoustics of their claws on the aluminum of the attic fan vent sounds AMAZING!) Apeshit? Doesn't even beGIN to describe what the dogs are doing in response to this impromptu little performance. I would just say "Ah, Gracie, nothing you can do about it right now...you've read all the stories about what happens when People Like You come in contact with Rodents and Such...visions of bad Chevy Chase movies come to mind with lots of head (and tail!) whipping and blood spatter on the walls, so just turn the television up louder and wait till your husband (The Man of the House) comes home. Yes, that'd be nice." And I would do all that...I'm ALL about passive procrastination when the alternative involves Things That Carry Rabies. BUT, I don't think I can take that route today. Because -dramatic pause- there is that hole in the attic door cover that broke off when mom was here last year looking for old Christmas ornaments. Remember that? Yep...and it's juuuuust big enough for a squirrel to shoot itself through. So now I am forced to picture myself scrubbing squirrel guts out of the carpet since the dogs will most CERTAINLY get to the critter(s) before I can. They are already growling at me for trying to get past them into the hallway to see what's going on and, it just gets better n' better, I can't put them outside for the rest of the day as it's 32 degrees and freakin' RAINING. Ohhhh what a joyous day. Signed, What the Fuck Do I Do Now?? ---------------------------------------- From: George Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2005 To: Gracie Subject: RE: siiiigh what next?? Niiice. Sorry sweetie, just let the dogs get it if it comes out. I'll mop up the guts when I get home. (**Gracie Note: Heh. I love him**) ---------------------------------------- From: Gracie Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2005 To: George Subject: siiiigh what next?? No biggie. They're on intermission right now, so the dogs are now just running up and down the stairs. It appears that they have no concept of 'Squirrel' and instead are of the firm belief that it's the cats doing it. The same freakin cats who haven't been housed in the main part of the house in THREE YEARS. So yeah...they are taking turns now...one mans the attic fan vent area while the other hauls ass down two flights of stairs to the family room door, then (when they realize that the door will not, in fact, open by sheer force of will, so the Cat Snack won't be had,) they come back up, high-five their paws over their utter brilliance in How Puppies Handle Small Animal Sounds and it starts all over again. Oh happy, happy day. That was my day today. I would also like to embarrass myself further by admitting that, while doing said Toilet Window Watching this morning, right in the middle of my Early Morning Haze where I was only able to appreciate the pretty ice on the trees and nothing else, I heard a familiar scratching...and CHEWING. Yep, the damned squirrels. You already read about that above, but the part that I didn't mention in my email to George was that, while listening to that most annoying sound this morning, I actually found myself looking up at the ceiling, POUNDING on the wall, and cursing at the bastards to just "Shoo! Get OUTTA HERE!! Get off my HOUSE!!" As though they would understand anger and directives. I = SMART. ********************************* American Angst Advice Column New Question this week (and y'all have GOT to start sending in some more questions. And REAL ones this time!): This gem comes from Michael W. I'm of the opinion that lots of readers have the same smart-ass sense of humor George and I do and, therefore, that this isn't anything CLOSE to a real question, but since I'm sure there are many, many ball-less boys out there, just suffering in silence, I figured I'd post it anyway. Also, depsite the thousands of people who read this page each day, y'all are SUCKING major ASS when it comes to following a directive! To wit: Send me questions n' shit so I can post it here and control your lives! Geesh, ya act like yer scared er sumthin!) Where was I? Oh yeah! Michael's hardship: Gracie, I have a medical condition that causes me much social grief. I only have one testicle. Nothing that people can notice easily, but on the beach in a Speedo, or at that intimate moment with a new female friend, it can become an issue. Physically it does not cause me any problems other than when I jog, ( I tend to go in a circle because of uneven weight distribution ) but emotionally it hurts sometimes. Can you help me? George's Advice: 1) Never. ever. EVER. Should any man, EVER, wear a Speedo outside a swimming competition. "But what about...." NO! NOT EVER. 2) Stop being so selfish and expect her face to be in your crotch the first time you're intimate with each other. AND if you do it right the first time, you could have SEVEN testicles and it wouldn't matter. Ever heard the saying "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"? Ponder this: "Heaven hath no joy like a woman pleasured" 3) Jogging in a cirle problem: buy a walnut and carry it in the 'light' side of your panties 4) Emotional sadness: be thankful you have testicles at ALL! There's starving kids in china who have no testicles to speak of! That's my sweetie! And y'all wonder why I tell people he's Dead Inside. Now aren't you glad ya asked? Final suggestion for the poop-shy question, from S. Her tag line made me spit sprite all down my shirt: Once Puckered, Poop Shy.... Gracie, I loved your response to our "Poop Shy" friend and thought I would offer additional sage advise to our tight assed gal pal waiting in the wings of Stall No. 2.... If you really hate the person in the stall next to you here is a classic approach to revenge: wait until the restroom is full and then let the colon blow rip and then ever so sweetly say "Oh my, (inject bitch's name here), are you ok? That sounded particularly nasty and oh my, what a smell. Did you have liver and onions for lunch?" To her dismay she will object that is wasn't her and you, in fact, that so rudely let the pucker go...to which you then reply "Really, (bitch's name), there's nothing to be embarrassed by - I understand you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome - a particuarly nasty condition. I can sympathize. My grandmother has it too." By now the whole restroom will be roaring in laughter and you will have successfully ridiculed your nemisis in classic colon blow fashion. me --------------------------------------- Need advice from me and/or my readers? Have a dilemma, family squabble, or moral quandry? Send your questions to [email protected]. (*Letters may be edited for length and to protect the identity of individuals. Also, don't worry too much about the spelling/grammar. That isn't the point of this exercise. Submission of the letter signifies your consent to posting on public website. We will not, however, post your real name, email address, or other identifying information.) ********************************* Okay, after a particularly angry-sounding email (though I could have misread it, to be fair) I spent 6 hours this evening updating my AmericanAngst Store. I increased the text on nearly every item and added roughly 50 new products, new sayings, and tried to group things together a little better than before. So go check it out and see if you can't find something for that hard-to-buy for person on your Christmas list. I've added things like Teddy Bears (who have sayings on them such as: Fuck You You Fucking Fuck (which made me laugh for ten minutes...the thought of a cute, sweet, fluffy little teddy bear...with the word FUCK on it) I Heart AmericanAngst.com I also added a few bumper stickers that say: Hang Up and DRIVE! Fuck You You Fucking Fuck I Hate People I Heart AmericanAngst.com In addition to many other new and exciting items, there are nice, warm hoodies, sweatshirts, and women's track suits (sweatsuits?) in three different colors, as well. Go buy stuff! Also, if there is something you'd like to have on a cup, mousepad, t-shirt, baseball cap, WHATEVER, and you don't see it in my shop? Let me know and I may create it for you. (Note: I will not create anything that is trademarked, so please don't ask. Also, I don't charge much above cost for the items in the store, despite the work involved in creating all the images (and applying them, etc., etc., which is usually half a day just for one design) because, hey, I love y'all, but custom work will be a bit more due to the extra work involved.) Or if you see something that you WOULD have bought, but the text on the item was just slightly different than what you wanted (or you wanted the text from another product on THAT one) or if it's in the wrong position or something isn't quite right (for instance: "Gracie, I love the Fuck You You Fucking Fuck women's pink t-shirt, but I'd prefer the text to be MUCH larger!"), don't hesitate to email me and let me know. I'm sure we can work something out. The only stipulation is that you have to be POLITE and CALM when you write to me. Deal? Excellent! ********************************* Someone Arrived Here Searching For: dunking duck pantyhose stall farting pooping nude disco jay leno peeing smelly loafers burger king song kevin and bean sayings fucked snotty nose women pictures get over angst [I certainly hope that NEVER happens, or I'd be out of a really enjoyable hobby!] seating etiquette at arenas hockey [this amuses me greatly...partly because I'm me --anal, all about Proper Behavior, a lunatic-- but also because it's HOCKEY...where they fight all the time, slam eachother into the boards, lose teeth, etc. Yet people are forever searching for etiquette data regarding hockey. I love it.] lick my wife people pooping and peeing in there pants at the same time baggy pants with chains on them [do NOT do it. People will hate you. Me included. And really, shouldn't THAT matter above all else??] christmas boobs clean version of ding fries are done [Just tell people it's saying "Don't BOB for fries in hot fat" instead of...what WE put there. I cannot TELL you how many people feel the need to email me insisting that *I* have it wrong.] "ding toast is done" [bwwwaaaa-hahahahahhaha! the TOAST is done! Apparently the singer is doing his own searches on google now!] "where do girls pee from?" ding fries are done sequel [my, my! Demanding little minions, aren't you??] funny driving idiot dumb pink girl porn ding fries are does pictures of nurses burger king retard remix ding fries are done [remix?? are you SERIOUS?? what...you looking for rap and corky talkin' bout his bitches??] french fries are done [so proper!] "walked in on" boss stall [gross. I'd have to quit. Seriously.] women screwing dogs to watch [that's what it costs?? Don't they have MONEY there??] funny pictures female judge pictures "girls faces" smokahontas ********************************* Write me a Note here. Read my notes here. Read a Random Entry Previous | Next Last 5 Entries: How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005 ^ back to top

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