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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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Email thread between me and my husband today after he emailed me the following picture:
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From: George
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From: Gracie
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From: George
HEY! I'm supposed to be the scrooge of this family!
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From: Gracie
Do you have ANY idea how many people will think twice before ever again shooting our house with paintballs and unhooking our cable lines if we had THAT in our front yard???
OOO! We could leave it up year round...maybe swap it out each season like your mom and other people do with their frilly flags and yard decorations!!! We could have Serial Killer Easter Bunny!! Yeah!!!
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From: George
Heh I love you.
I have another George-N-Gracie thread to share with you, and since it references a funny saying from forever ago, I did a search through my archives so I could link to it in case some of you didn't remember it. And WOW. Apparently I haven't, in fact, told this story. Shocking considering a) I tell EVERYONE this story, and b) I never shut up! So, since it will help you understand the post below, now's as good a time as any!
George and I met through an online dating service. Don't roll your eyes, some of them actually work...at least the ones where they ask you 99 questions and you don't LIE to make yourself seem better than you actually are. I can attest to this because a) I was brutally honest in my ad, and b) it's been six years since we met and I still adore him (and he adores me! does too!) Now, despite the fact that my brother has been a complete ASS for the last 14 months and hasn't spoken to his family over --what he may still not accept were-- utter lies, I still have to give him credit here, because he forced me to join the dating service (matchmaker.com for anyone who's keeping score.)
He forced me to join because he not only detested the man I had been dating for the last four years, but he was sick of seeing me get screwed over time and time again by the utter jerks I had a knack for choosing. I believe his exact words, upon my resistance to this idea, were "If YOU don't fill out the dating service questionnaire, *I* will fill it out for you, and you will NOT like what I write about you!" Obviously that was an offer I couldn't refuse, so I spent the next couple of hours filling it out. I thought about being a little ...hazy... on the truth to make myself very interesting and to stand out among all the other women the men had to choose from, but that thought lasted in my head for a grand total of 10 seconds. I, too, was sick of getting hurt, lied to, treated badly, and cheated on. Frankly, I wasn't interested in dating ANYONE, let alone someone I had duped into going out with me by being dishonest about my life and personality. And really, WHY does anyone do that anyway? Are they under the misguided impression that they can live their entire lives with this new person without them ever learning your truths? I mean truths about your character and attitude and behavioral traits. Let me let you in on a little secret: Eventually it aaaaall comes out, so you may as well be honest from the get-go. So since I wasn't interested in finding anyone, really, and since I didn't feel like being shady, I was honest. Ohhhh, BRUTALLY honest. I believe one of the paragraphs I posted went a little something like this (and, in fact, is one of the reasons George decided we'd get along juuuuust swell):
"I am NOT looking for a daddy for my 9-year-old son. I am not looking for someone to take care of and/or support me and my child. I do just fine on my own, thank you very much. Also, I like to eat. In fact, I prefer to eat more than the skin off a grape for dinner. If you must know, I like pasta, and I LOVE garlic bread. Lots and lots of garlic bread. If you want an anorexic, move on to the next ad, cause I am NOT that girl. I'm into computers, movies (especially old, bad movies of the Mystery Science Theater variety), reading, and hanging out INSIDE. I do not hike, cliff dive, jog, or participate in any sort of heavy activity of the kind. I hate...no, no HATE to sweat and am not overly fond of the sun. I am, however, fun to hang out with (I'll spend hours with you in a public place making fun of everyone that walks by) and I will make you laugh. So, if you want to hang out, shun the sun, watch awful old movies, laugh a lot, and feel confident in the fact that you will not get harrassed into buying me a ring, drop me a note!"
While that was memorable to George, (along with a comment I made about an old 'B' horror flick and stated that, apparently, they didn't invent RUNNING until the '70s, because these old films would show the monster approaching a crowd of people and they would all just stand around slamming the backs of their hands to their foreheads and screaming stupidly at the injustice of it all, but never --not EVER-- running AWAY!) the thing that sealed the deal for me, at least in the beginning, and which made me want to meet him in person came a few weeks into our conversations. We had gone back and forth through email and, occasionally, on the phone, getting to know each other, talking about our lives, ourselves, likes and dislikes, etc. He was incredibly funny and we had so much in common (huh! imagine that! you both answer a bazillion questions about yourself and you are then presented with people who are high matches based on your answers!) and I was enjoying him immensely. Before the following comment was made by him, though, I was still slightly hesitant. I didn't believe anyone could be THAT great and not be a lying serial killer (as opposed to an HONEST serial killer?) He was just too good to be true. But when he sent me the following email I decided I'd take my chances.
Gracie,
So before we go any further, I should probably ask you what your stance is on cybersex. I'm not sure what it's all about, but I do get the general idea, and I just do NOT understand how people do this...or why. I have to say that I sincerely hope this isn't something you are hoping to receive from me, because I'd just be very, very BAD at it. Also, how do people DO it, exactly? I mean...hand-wise? Cause, you know, I need TWO hands to type, so right there I'm at a disadvantage. And with my luck, I'd completely ruin it and cause you to hire someone to kick my ass, because I'd be all flustered and confused, and of course I'd only have the one hand to work with, so I'd probably end up typing something like
"Ooouuuohggggrr. I wallt uk to yu n I swolly tough your beasts!"
George
People, I laughed SO hard when I read that, I spit coffee all over my desk, ruining my keyboard, and burst a blood vessel in my hand because I smacked the desk so hard while crying with laughter. I sent it to family and friends the nation over and said "Is this guy the SHIT or WHAT??" Funniest shit I'd ever read, and an insight into the joy that is us. The rest, as they say, is history.
So, here we are six years later, married and still in love. We work together at the same company, which means we're together an inordinate amount of time each day, and we are still the best of friends. I couldn't be more thankful.
I tell you all that as backstory to the following email thread that took place today. You're welcome. :-)
Oh, and the subject line? Where it says 'poopie'? We have progressed from the 'Honey' and 'Sweetie' nicknames (though we still use them, of course) to names like 'Poopie' and 'SnookyWookuhBritches', and --the all-time fav-- 'BooBooKittyFuck'. Ooo, which reminds me! George is moving to another position within our company and, the other day, he was training his replacement, a friend of ours. She reads this site (Hi Carolyn!) and we talk from time to time when work isn't getting in the way which, sad to say, isn't very often. Anyway, he mentioned something about my department and Carolyn asked "Is [Gracie's formal, given name] going to be involved in that, too?" and he stared at her with a completely blank look on his face. He tilted his head to denote confusion. She, of course, realized he was retarded and helped him out by saying "Yoooour ....WIIIIIFFFFE?" Realization dawned on my dear husband. He laughed and explained that we almost NEVER call each other by our 'real' names and even then, it's a shortened variation of them. So when she called me by my loooooong name he had NO idea who she was talking about. After hearing of this exchange, I, of course, spent the rest of the day informing anyone who'd listen that my husband doesn't know my name. That after six years, he still can't remember me and may, in fact, need to borrow a pen so he could write it on his hand, just in case he needed to refer to it later, in bed.
Yeah, he appreciates me LOTS for my mouth.
Wait. I didn't mean that the way it sounded...I meant, you know, for my smart-ass nature. Really.
So, yeah. The email thread! Trust me when I tell you that you have GOT to read the story that is linked in his email below. It's not long at all and you won't regret it. Well...you may, but do it anyway!
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From: George
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From: Gracie
Oddly enough, he didn't respond, but I did hear from others that they saw him running to the men's room with his hand over his mouth and was lookin' a little green around the gills.
Tune in tomorrow when we once again answer a question submitted for the American Angst Advice Column! Till then, check out the demented schmucks who hang out on search engines all day and, much to their dismay, get mocked on my site!
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
funny hockey christmas
daisy duke belt [that's about the size of it!]
squirrels pooping
ding fries are done feeling lucky
ding fries are done bitch
mama's boobs
humiliate my pussy
funny fart ringtones
nicknames for latin girls
pooping etiquette e-mail
sexy deaf girls
dominatrix fart smelling
mcdonalds song ding fries are done [it's burger king Corky!]
download "me in the shower" blog nude
poopy songs
marriage sucks
humiliate my wife
screw wife doggy [preeeetty sure it works better if you give the command to the DOG instead of a SEARCH ENGINE. Ya sick bastard]
losing weight with exlax
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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