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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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Before we get to the good stuff, I wanted to let you all know that, based on your emails, I have added several new items to the American Angst store. Check 'em out and grab something for yourself!
Oh, also, to those of you sweeties that joined the NotifyList recently: I apologize for any inconvenience, but we have switched to YahooGroups (more reliable, more features) and I thought I had removed all references to the old NotifyList, but I guess I missed a few. In any case, if you want to receive an email when I add an entry, please look for the purple square button on the menu to your right (for those of you reading this on my mirror site at diaryland, the link is at the top of the page) and enter your email address in the box above the purple button. Or you can go to this page and join. Or..heh..you can send an email to [email protected]. Very simple process. Thanks for reading!
Okay, I'm finally getting around to this. I have received a ton of mail recently, and not only am I grateful for those of you that take the time to write and tell me that my rantings, ravings, and overall goofy life has given you a giggle...totally makes my day...but you all crack me up. So I am going to share a lot of what has been sent in. And no, it's not just an entry full o' lurrrv fer gracie. I won't bore you with that (I'll save it for my Shrine to Meee on my bedroom dresser,) but rather reader mail that has given me a giggle, or answered a question, or just generally needs to be aired. Enjoy, and keep it comin'!
Responses to my father's dilemma regarding FeeFee and her poop-eatin' ways:
From Carolyn:
My dog eats her own poop. There - I said it. She also snacks in the kitty box when I'm not careful enough to make it hard for her. The other night around 2AM, I heard the cat yacking in the hall...."damdamdamdam" in my head. THEN I heard the dog on the way to Isle 5 for clean up. YESSSS, there is a God!!!! :)
From Tom:
This poop eating thing is a serious issue that my family and I have been dealing with for years. I feel your pain. Our dog Belle, a career poop eater, has never been able to kick the habit. We have tried very little to help her with her addiction, because we like to pretend there is no problem.
Belle is addicted to all sorts of things. She has been medicated for epilepsy since she was a puppy. She is quite fond of her morning and evening Phenobarbital doses, and will remind us if we forget. She suffers from some undiagnosed mental disorders as well. We're not sure if it's depression, anxiety, or even schizophrenia...we just call her crazy.
Belle loves to eat poop. Her favorite is cat poop, closely followed by greyhound poop (we also have a crazy greyhound named Daisy).
On to the issue at hand:
Eat the poop before FeeFee.
She will see you doing it, and realize that eating poop just isn't cool, and she'll give up the practice shortly.
I have not actually tested this technique, so let me know how it works out for you.
Tom
From Gracie: I love my readers.
A note to my mother from dad:
Granny - In addition to potentially solving the "problem" of FeeFee sucking
Ka-Ka, I may have also solved tonight's dinner menu. She had bacon and
fried chicken livers last night. That should kind of resemble sausage -
which you know is among my favorites. So you're on your own for dinner.
However if you're feeling adventurous, I'll be down at the mail kiosk.
Some worms crawled out onto the asphalt, and I'm getting kind of interested
in what it feels like to roll in them.
Gracie's response to dad:
Okay, there is something VERY wrong with you!
Dad's fucked up reply:
Rolling in worms IS fun!
I had to do it on the grass though - and pretend the worms were there. The
asphalt is too rough on my back.
The Feef was not impressed. She got me to open the car door, whereupon she
dragged her little bed out of it, dragged it to the neighbor lady's front
door, and is now growling at me.
Is there some worm-rolling protocol I'm not aware of?
Aaaaand Gracie's Mom chimes in:
Jeezus, [Gracie's Dad]! Don't you know that it is tres gauche to roll in grass worms?
If you can't do it on pavement, just don't do it at all.
I imagine this explains why I am the way I am, nes pas?
This is from 'S' who has been writing me lately, giving me many giggles. Like this one:
Hi Gracie!
A friend of mine sent me a link to your page and I have to say I'm hooked.. I was really having a bad day and my freind was like, " well at least someone shares your love of idiots..." and sent me the link to your page.
I fell over laughing with your mention of carnies simply for the fact that I've had to deal with one and THAT'S something I'll never forget, so I thought I'd share my tale of the missing brain with you.
Anyway, I work at a firm and one of the things they have me doing is screening potential clients, getting their information and their story of WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH they believe that they can recover money from something that was their fault to begin with or the drugs told them to do it... seriously if I can get an answer to this I think I can patent it and make OODLES of money....
so this guy calls into the firm and the first words out of his mouth (I kid you not here) is, " I'm a carnival worker" and I knew I KNEW that this conversation wasn't going to get much better.... I simply rolled my eyes and wondered why God chose that day to spit on me. So the rest of the conversation (for the sake of not having a 5 page email, I'm going to condense) went something like this:
me: ok, sir, you're a carnival worker, why have you decided to call our firm today?
(remember I'm condensing this, so this is after I pick up from putting him on hold once I regain a modicum of a somewhat professional voice)
him: well I supervise some carnival workers who operate the rides (insert joke here) and I got hurt on the job...
me: ok, sir, so you want to go after your employer for workmen's compensation?
him: no...I want to sue the hospital (ok so he didn't say it like that but I'm translating here)
me: ok sir, how did you end up in the hospital?
him: well the people I supervise were on break across the street AT THE BAR (the mystery is SOLVED people,
now I know why there are carny ride accidents) and I went to go get them and the bartender ran me over
with his car and broke my back...
me: *wondering why the hell I get these calls and then wondering if it's possible to have weirdo repellant made*
me: Sir, why would the bartender run you over with his car?
him: I went inside the bar to get the people and the bartender started laughing at me ....
me: (I wanted to tell him that that's what happens when you over medicate and are you sure you wasn't dressed
as a clown?)
him: Everyone laughs at me.....
me: Sir, can you hold on for one moment please? Thank you.... *I put him on hold and proceed to laugh my ass
off*
me: I'm sorry about that sir, why would the bartender laugh at you?
him: I don't know why he laughed at me and then chased me out of the bar... and then got in his truck and ran
me over....
me: *I'm thinking it's been about 20-25 minutes by this point and wondering if I gnaw off my ear can I get away
from this???* OK sir, so why do you want to sue the hospital? *yep that's me, the idiot wrangler, in
action!!*
him: BECAUSE (insert whiny medication/drugged out voice) the people at the hospital told me that they were
only bruises and my BACK was BROKEN...
me: Ummmm sir, they ARE doctors, are you sure your back was broken? Did they take x-rays?
him: (again I'm interpreting here and this was what my beleagured brain heard) I tell you they made me walk
around with a BROKEN BACK and told me I just had bruises... I ...I....tell you how... how can they know I
have a broken back when they're making me walk around and I'm unconscious.......
me: Sir, can you hold again please? Thank you...*snickers and then out right howls of laughter*... *Dear GAWD
this is either a test to see if I'm worthy enough to have ONE sane day or I had some REALLY bad karma
in another life and it's catching up with me*
me: Well sir, now that I have all this information, I will give it to the attorneys and have them call you.
him: My back was BROKEN and they made me walk around and now I can't work and I"m in pain!!!
Well I believe this whole conversation took a total of about 45 minutes and about 2 years worth of patience on my part and I really don't think God liked me much that day...... on the other hand I laughed so hard and long that I think I added about another year onto my life. oh goody!!!
And honestly there's something in the water here too at least at the carnival... yet another reason NOT to go.....
Hope this made you laugh... I have a ton of stories like that and this stuff happens all the time so I'm sure I'll write again to have someone laugh with me!
Best of luck!
S
From my Aunt Nan: On a sign in front of a clinic in [City where we live]: Impotence: Nature's Way of saying "No Hard Feelings"
Check back tomorrow when we hear from Stephanie and other loyal Angsties!
Glenn's link o' the day: A Supermodel is Born.
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
stalker family unsupportive
[dude. They raised a
STALKER..what'd you expect?]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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