:: American Angst :: |
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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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So I was awakened this morning around 3:00 by the urge to visit the bathroom. Not...you know...for the hell of it, but for a purpose (ahhh, the joys of getting older) and as I was groggily doing my business, I was shaking off a feeling of uneasiness. But why? I began thinking and realized that I'd just had a bad dream. A really BAD dream. Someone had just broken into my house and was trying to kill me with their weapon. Oooo, scary. Well...until the dream came into focus a little more and I realized who it was that was breaking into my house. Serena Williams. Oh yes, drag queen lookin' Serena Freakin' Williams. Oh, and it gets better: She broke into my home, at the sliding door, with a BARBELL. Just one, but it was a doozy. And then she charged at me with it, swinging it at my head. And I ran into the other room to find George, who would surely save me, and he was sitting at a particle board computer desk, and he was trying to call 9-1-1, but through the web. So while he figured out (online, remember) how to save his wife from the beast with the barbell, Gracie ran hollering through the house, dodging Serena and her shiny red carpet gown.
I recalled all of this and began laughing my ass off. At 3 a.m....in the bathroom...and couldn't stop. Luckily George is a heavy sleeper and didn't wake up. I would have HATED to explain THAT story at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Okay, okay, enough of my retardation. Let's get on with the mail. Oh, and I changed my mind...about the whole 'not posting the full-o-praise emails'. I have received some pretty great ones lately and I just have to share some of them. But don't worry - I'm not going to post them all...just a few highlights:
From Cheryl:
i think this has to be the funniest thing i have ever read on my computer. i am crying. i just read the article about your father and his poop eating dog. it sounds just like my family. god love you, you are a riot. and the "Fuck you, you fucking fuck should be on a t-shirt too. i'd buy 100. i'll be getting the mug.
thank you. you just made my day.
best,
Per Ms. Cheryl's request, I have added the funny (and, yeah, offensive) t-shirts to the store.
Next note comes from Stephanie, who makes me giggle:
Gracie, YOU are the BEST! You make me laugh and so do the people who e-mail you! Shocking just how clever some people are.
Did you try Tom's suggestion yet? Thank the LORD my pound-dog doesn't eat her own poo. She has, however taken to the plastic poo we keep around the house (to trick people, of course. Everyone should have a plastic poo in their medicine cabinet.) The sight of my dog grabbing the poo and tossing it into the air, then gnawing on it is a gagger. Interestingly, the part she bit off has a white film on it, appearing much like a piece of mold or (ul! UL!) worse. It was so bad, and the poo innards look so real, that I actually found myself smelling the plastic poo that I wrenched from her mouth, just to reassure myself it wasn't actual (plastiCIZED vs. plasTIC) poo. Much to my relief, it's just plastic poo. I mean, of COURSE it is. But it looks so real. This was a Christmas gift from my husband during my children's potty-training years. It actually worked on my mom. She thought one of the boys had an accident near the front door on Christmas morning, and thus made a valiant attempt at a cleanup without vomiting. When the poo didn't quiver, she realized she'd been had. Oh, that was great.
Stephanie has to tell me where her husband got that stuff. I GOTTA get me some o' that poo!!
Next is from Carolyn, who always makes me laugh, but this time has stunned me with her idea. I'm almost afraid to post it for fear that someone else will get credit for it when it surely becomes a huge seller!
Hell - you know what we (society) REALLY need? An email client that takes a blood test for hormonal imbalance and a
breathalizer so that there's no drunk typing so that we never send
stupid emails. BIG MONEY, I tells ya! (I need both right now.)
I would TOTALLY pay for that!!
From Geo:
Oh, My, God! This is the funniest thing I've seen or heard in years and have just discovered this website. Thanks for making me laugh my ass off!!! Gracie, I've never met you but I'm instantly mad about you. Your articles are wonderful. You have a divinely twisted sense of humour and the fact that you find MST3K funny totally proves just how brilliant you are!!! - Thanks for the great yucks and completely spot on observations. - A NEW FAN!!!! - Geo
See, it's emails like this that are going to be my downfall. How do I NOT become conceited when I get love like this from readers???
Cody wrote in reference to this snippet of a Gracie Rant.
WOW! This is so totally me! I am so nervous that I will say something incorrectly or use a word incorrectly in a sentence. I have such terrible OCD and anxiety that I am starting to freak as I write this. My Dad taught English and he is constantly telling me that I have used a word incorrectly and I become very defensive and have found myself saying �I�m just tired Dad leave me alone�. Of course this has brought on some type of speech/writing anxiety.
On the topic of OCD� If I order a cheeseburger from a fast food restaurant, I have to eat all of the cheese off of the paper before I start eating my hamburger. HAVE TO!
Also, what is the point of keeping a whole cabinet full of Tupperware, Gladware, Ziplocware, etc. where half of the lids have disappeared? I have actually been at someone�s house and thrown away bowls and organized their cabinets, because, what is the point if there is no lid? Drives me crazy!
Cody
Sandi let me know that I accidentally overwrote a picture by giving it the same name as another. I've fixed the file, but wanted to share it here in case anyone else ran into the same issue. Thanks Sandi!
Howdy!
Just wanted you to know that on this page here:
That your �Image Two� link of your son-age-four-on-Halloween (which I was looking forward to viewing, as I�m curious about you, what I�ve been reading and all), goes to some document it looks like he wrote, here:
Actually, I�m not sure WHAT that document is, but it seems a bit odd....
Just FYI�..still enjoying the reading and LMAO!
Sandi
From Joe, which cracked me up:
HELLLOO !
Just wanted to say Hi! and comment on the pure joy you have now brought to my office! I was sent a link yesterday (Yup you guessed it ) and started to read off your adventures and related links. Problem is that I laugh before I catch myself........ and well continue to do so thru each section. Pretty soon people come by my desk to ask me"What is Soooo F...kin Funny" (At this point in time My Feet is in the Air and my head is on the ground.and I have a terrible stitch in my side) Soo I tell them (Between much needed gasps of air!) of your site. (my Boss is gonna kill me) Cause sure enough Laughter from one desk to another. Now here the weird part, Not everybody is reading the same thing at the same time, so the laughter goes for one desk then across the room then back. With 20 people in the room it was like a bad WHACK-A-MOLE game. But funny none the less.
Thanks for all the laughs
Joe
Thank you Joe!!
And thank you to everyone else that wrote in. I love the feedback!!
Glenn's link o' the day: A Supermodel is Born.
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
does porn make me stupid
[Heh. Hehehee.]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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