:: American Angst ::

Tuesday, Mar. 29, 2005 Lime Coke And I'm Broke.... So George and I were shopping the other day. We went all over Atlanta trying to find a store that actually sells Sirius satellite paraphernalia. They don't sell it on their website, and they CLAIM that Radio Shack and Office Depot sell these things but they LIE. Also we needed a new memory card for our digital camera since...well...I sorta lost ours. So we're at Office Depot and of COURSE they don't have any Sirius stuff and of COURSE they didn't have the right memory card (perhaps because the camera was bought back in 1999?) so we decided to buy a new camera. They had a really cool Olympus digital camera on sale for $299 and offered a $100 mail-in rebate. Excellent! So we bought that AND an $80 memory card for it. Don't worry...there's a point. After leaving Office Depot, we went a few doors down to Publix for a few groceries. As we're finishing up, we get to the soda aisle and George sees a 2 liter of Lime Coke. He starts to grab it, but hesitates. He makes a 'naaaaah' face and starts to walk away. I ask what the problem is. George: "Wull I don't know if I'll like it" Gracie: "Oh?" George: "Yeeeahh." *Walks toward front of store* "Think I'll just go get a 20 oz one first...see if I like it before I spend the money on a full one." Gracie: *Yells as George gets farther away* "Dude! It's EIGHTY-NINE CENTS!" George: "What?" Gracie: "You're kidding, right? George: "Whaaaat?" Gracie: "You have NO problem spending THREE HUNDRED dollars on a digital camera...will buy an EIGHTY dollar memory card for it without blinking an eye, but you won't spend EIGHTY-NINE CENTS on a 2 liter cause you might not LIKE IT??" George: *Realizes the truth in Gracie's statement and begins to blush...hangs head and grins in shame...then mumbles "Fuck off" as he shuffles back toward the 2 liters* Gracie: "Hehehe. Dork." He's still irritated with me. Not just because of that, but because I can't let it go. It's just so funny to me and I can NOT stop giving him shit. Like when we were loading the groceries into our car. There was a man in the parking spot next to us, also loading groceries into HIS car. Gracie: "I don't know sweetie...I'm thinking I should take the digital camera back." George: "What? Why?" Gracie: "I don't know if we can afford it..." George: "What are talking about?? Of course we can." Gracie: "You sure? We can afford the camera AND the lime coke?? Wow!! We are REALLY doing well for ourselves!" George: *Glares at Gracie* "Ohhhh you...you...I will PUNCH you in the head." Gracie: *Laughs evil laugh* The man in the parking spot next to us looked a little worried...as though I might need protectin'. Later that night we were watching television and guess what commercial came on?? Yep...Lime Freakin' Coke. I had no sooner opened my mouth to make a smartass comment than George clamped his fingers to his thumb in the universal "SHUTTHEFUCKUP" motion that I've come to know and love. This was accompanied by a noise similar to "Shyutit! Jussut!" But of COURSE I couldn't. Duh. I had to say something...Hey! It was a deep, biological need, okay?? Gracie: "Engagement ring is to 3 months salary as Lime Coca-cola is to 2 minutes salary!" He loves me. I know this by his response: "Words simply can't describe how much I hate you." ********************************* Do you watch Medium? 'Cause I love it...except for one thing. Her husband...Mr. Rocket Scientist? Is an IDIOT. Dude. She is NEVER wrong...and yet this moron argues with her each. and. every. time she has a vision or dream. WHY? It just pisses me off. He's been with her forEVER and in the show she is ALWAYS correct. Yet he never. ever. believes her. SO freakin' irritating. ********************************* I've been taking notes on Nashville Star -- the American Idol of the country music world -- for a few weeks now. Enjoy! I like the show (though I would have loved to see the wretched singers, like they do on idol...can you imagine how funny that would've been? COUNTRY singers who suck? Rednecks auditioning? Ohhhh yes.) Yurk. These contestants try too hard to force the southern accent into the songs. And it's irritating and phony, because everyone knows that you can be British or Australian and when you sing? NOBODY knows where you're from unless you force it (HI, Queen of Phony Reba McIntyre!) ...it's the nature of music. Leann Rimes - LOVE her - but the song she sang on the debut of the show? THE HELL language was she speaking? We rewound tivo several times trying to understand her and the only word we could make out was 'hooooome'. Nothing else. Is enunciation truly dead these days? Tamika is a narcissistic brat. Lookyhere Missy: Just because you were too busy screwing around and popping out babies to go after a singing career when you were Erica-Jo's age, does NOT mean that you are more entitled to win or that she has worked any less hard or put in any less time than you, you arrogant bitch. You just lost my vote. Anastasia (the female judge who soooo wants to be Simon Cowell) thinks she is just so cute. SO irritating the way she leeeeans into one of the other judges and cackles her "Aren't I just ADORABLE???" giggle, and her racial "I lub me suh tamEEEEKUH." HURL. Shut. Up. Brett Michaels = stupid ass. This dork sings along with EVERY song the contestants sing and almost always gets the words (and the beat) wrong. Also? If he doesn't stop his OCD-like repetitive routine of "let me just say this...i'll be quick...just gotta say..." AAAuuuggghh!!! He is a MO-RON. Dude. He's Paula with a lobotomy! In addition to idiot American Idol Utterings, I am going to have to add Idiot Nashville Star Verbal Diarrhea. Today's come from (of course) Brett Michaels: "I just wanna tell ya this: artist to artist. Just feel this." (aaahahahahaha! Brett....an ARTIST...AHAHAHAHA) "No listen to me. I love that chip on your shoulder. Take that anger and turn it into passion." (See? More proof that Brett has a negative I.Q.) "You look soulful and your eyes look comfortable." (WHU???) "I just say this. It's coming from me. My dad and a cabin *insert tears from pussy michaels* and here's this..stutter stutter sniffle stutter" (and that's it!! THAT IS ALL HE SAID!) "You know you know you've got this this audience, these fans, this this matters. take it own it make it your style." "Justin you know uh you know what I feel I told you you got this cool thing I think you're a great musician and and and you know we were lookin we were waitin' to see and I know last week I throw that away I make a lot of dumb comments when I'm drunk too." (Excuse me?? a) you make dumb comments CONSTANTLY regardless of alcohol -- hell, just look above ya moron! -- and b) did you really intend to imply that a contestant was DRUNK on stage? GOD you are stupid. "You know whut man, I'm ohn be straight which-uh" (Ohhhh but the assclown never gets to it and is never, EVER clear and concise.) "Ya know what? Bring it. Own it. Connect." (I am SO tired of these singing show judges saying this. It makes no sense and doesn't help them at ALL. Speakuh Engrish asshead!) "Screw them. Screw them. And if I know about '80s hair, man, it's me. It's me." (WHAT does that fucking MEAN? He is - if at all possible - DUMBER than Paula Abdul.) "I'm gonna say it quick" and "I'm gonna get right to it" Brett says this ALL. THE. TIME. And both are LIES. It's much like those people that say "Long Story Short" these people are also liars because it always means this story has already begun to rival War and Peace and will continue on for at LEAST another half hour! Finally, we must discuss Nashville Star's voting method. Have you noticed this? Not just that it's sponsored by BURGER KING. But that they have a yahoo.address.com. Not their own URL, but a FREE yahoo URL. Dude. It costs less than 100 dollars to purchase a domain name for TWO YEARS!!! Cough up the cash, ya cheap bastahd! ********************************* Have you seen the new car dealership ad...those of you in Georgia...the one with the guy that says "I'm Uncle Phil!"? Ohhhh it's a riot. 'Uncle Phil' stands in the forefront, telling us...something...I have NO idea what he talked about because I could NOT take my eyes off the background activity. Ohhhh, leeeet me tell you about it: There is a guy in the background with about 15 people around him in a half circle. They had an SUV in the middle of them all and The Guy...Mr. blue-shirt-and-khakis was gesturing wildly not just at everyone (the sales force) but also at the CAR. He then proceeds to begin caressing different parts of the car while also explaining something to his minions while using excessive hand motions...and I can only IMAGINE what it was he was saying: *caresses headlight* "See this? Hey! HEY! People need lights! They LIKE lights! And it's YOUR job to give 'em the best lights on the LOT, people!" *caresses fender* "This ain't just ANY fender, pal! It's a BLACK fender...you may THINK you can get a fender like this anywhere, but ya can't. Ya CAN'T, my friend! You got ta SELL dis shit!" ********************************* I have so many freakish search terms that I have to unload some of them in each entry now. Hope you get as many giggles (and brain cramps) as I did! First term is my favorite. It made me smile a really lot! oh gracie how you make me laugh [awwww! I yuvv yew too!] "travel pussy" -futurotic pictures of Jewish people getting beat up (wow. bet you don't date much, do ya?) show your tits for the troops xxx ass attack oprah nude my dad is my boss oprah nude oprah nude oprah nude [STOP THE MADNESS!!!!] gross mistermeaner [Sounds like Uncle Phil!] ballentimes "my eye of you" american pusy definition of "lawdy" tonya harding nude [oh that is just WRONG] pictures of biggest dick of the world [as usual, the dirtiest searches come from Denmark and/or Thailand.] "killing people should be legal" [Preachin' to the choir, sugar!] woman poop [cuz it's different] my fries theft [I smell a lawsuit!] "i can't get it in" dancer knocking kids over [Sadist!] gracie stands [rarely, actually. RARELY. I spend too much time writing to y'all!] woman make men kiss ass [you say that like's it's a BAD thing] my wifes big ass lizard+masturbate+ernie+bert [fukkin ew] dog on dog porn [this one made me spit water aaaaalll over my laptop] bert and ernie vicious [Wow. Now THERE'S a person with anger issues.] when should you stop wearing corduroy? [when your thighs catch fire!] escalator phobia [Me too!!!] pictures of pussy and breast [why just one breast??] big boob old pussy [y'all are fucked up.] "how to humiliate" + wife [tell people what you search for online AND that you're her husband. THAT'LL do it.] "pee" "can't hold it" "let loose" [cheerleading are ya?] home town porn fat people getting beat up [WHY is everyone getting the shit kicked out of 'em??] big black boob face fart female can't trust a brit paula hates carrie burger king ditty nancy grace redneck bitch scott savol african american [Heh. Nope, he's white...but don't tell HIM that...he'll be PISSED] fran drescher booty cream pie pussies old end goot pussy american fuck ya i poop my pants fat porn "porn freak alarm" [if he asks you to shit on his eyebrow? THAT is an alarm, my friend] "you're taking the joke too far" [Like there's any such thing!] ryan seacrest murder [Wow. Hostile much?] wife and her sister pee and shit in my mouth [And you needed an ALARM?!] happy easter tits in a basket are my fingers always pruny [How the hell should I know??] my wife's gold teeth pictures [Why would *I* have them??] men can't hold poop [Gross. Why should they??] mom makes me masturbate [WHY do you tell me these things!??!] dumb wifes nancy grace is still an idiot my belly jiggles ********************************* Tune in tomorrow to read a sampling of the incredible response I received to the Terri Schiavo entry. ********************************* Finally, I leave you with my favorite gift of all time....you can read it about it HERE. It's the last entry on the page. ********************************* Write me a Note here. Read my notes here. Read a Random Entry Previous | Next Last 5 Entries: How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005 ^ back to top

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