:: American Angst ::

Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 Just Cuz Ya Can, Doesn't Mean Ya SHOULD.... Today's entry is titled (not entitled, which is wrong, wrong, wrong because entitled means you have something coming to you. Titled means...well...DUH...the title of something.) Anyway....today. Title = 'Just cuz ya can wear it, doesn't mean ya should, honey.' This phrase repeats itself inside my head very, very frequently, and has for years now. It all began the afternoon we stopped at a gas station and there was a woman on the other side of our pump, putting gas in her car, and she was wearing a skin-tight outfit of the Lycra variety; it was leopard print; it was a body suit. She was not small. At ALL. And this was less than 5 years ago. The memory still makes me shudder. The reason we're focusing on this for a few minutes today is because we went to the North Georgia fair (or 'a' north Georgia fair...whatever) with my in-laws a couple of weeks ago and I was astounded. The town is only an hour or so north of us, but WOW the differences. Rather than go into great detail, I will simply provide you with a short, concise, bulleted list of the things I saw and a few of the things that came to mind while walking around: Petting zoos should be outlawed. Seriously. You know it's bad when the best animals they have to offer look miserable and have open, oozing wounds. Are brown teeth the latest in fashion? Is it to replace the gold teeth? Whup...scratch that...there's a mouthful of gold. Damn. Confused again. Oh lordy. WHO is lying to these women?? I swear, I'm going to start giving speeches at high schools and the supermarket and force women to listen to me when I say "If you have a 24-pack instead of a 6-pack look to your abs; if your belly jiggles or can be pinched between your fingers; if you have a 'belly' instead of a tummy; if you have visible STRETCH MARKS; if your thighs touch when you walk, these are all very good reasons NOT TO WEAR HALF-SHIRTS AND LOW-RISE JEANS SO TIGHT THAT YOUR LEGS WON'T BEND WHEN YOU WALK!" Just damn, people. I am completely prepared for the hate mail that this statement will generate, but could someone please find the memo that was obviously lost? The one to the Mexican community? Letting them know that the mullet (and mohawks and to-your-ass hair-tails) are soooo last century? Thanks. So, to summarize: Just cuz ya CAN....doesn't mean ya should. ...Unless it's me. That's all I have to say about that. ********************************* Have you heard the latest Nicorette commercial? The stupid one? Ohhh, that doesn't narrow it down for ya? Heh. Let me help. Idiot One: "Hey, Steve? IIII'm taking Nicorette like ya said, buuuuut I'm having a craving, aaaaand don't tell me to stick it out 'cuuuuuz, it's not gonna be pretty *nervous giggle here*" Master Steve: "Soooo, take another piece?" HellOOO? You know, I'm pretty certain that if Idiot One has to ask this sort of question to 'Steve' who apparently runs his life, he shouldn't be trusted with chewing gum. Especially cessation gum. Or other big tasks like peeing and farting without supervision. ********************************* Have I complained about Scott Slade's Purina commercials on WSB A.M. 750 yet? I may have, but it still irritates me, so I have to moan about it again. I simply don't understand why he finds it so impossible to pronounce it properly. Really, just how hard is it to say 'PYUR-eena'? He always pronounces it 'purr-eena'. I hate it. Just hate it. ********************************* Have you seen the new 'Surreal Life' yet? The one with Brigitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav? They've all got issues, of course, which is why they're there...people who weren't really that big to begin with but are total has-beens now, but some have maaaany more issues than others. Like Brigitte? Dude. I am embarrassed for her. She is psychotic. And not only because she walked into the pool fully dressed, with heels and sequins and a cigarette, but for a multitude of reasons. She has this idea that she's deep and profound, which is sad because she's mistaking vapid and shocking emptiness as profundity. Brigitte, darlin', we've got to talk. You used to be hot...you really were. But now? Ohhhh, not so much. I mean, you look great for your age and giant height, but you're not 22 anymore. So please, PLEASE you have seriously got to stop dancing. Naked dancing especially. At least until you gain an ounce of rhythm. And for love o' gawd, Put. The. Boobies. Away. Ryan Starr? From the first season of American Idol? Still a crybaby. And entirely too impressed with herself. Highly annoying. She's lucky she's hot, because girlfriend needs a good smack. In fact...that reminds me of a completely UN-PC picture that I've seen that cracks me up, despite how wrong it is. Here ya go. And Ry? When pronouncing Charo's name? Please, please stop saying "Cha-doh" ...trying to sound all ethnic n' shit. It's Charo, sweets. With an 'R', hokay? Gracias. ********************************* Someone Arrived Here Searching For: how to humiliate your wife [By opening your mouth in public.] ********************************* Write me a Note here. Read my notes here. 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