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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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Oh man, I have not laughed this hard since Mystery Science Theater: Space Mutiny.
I woke up this morning - still on vacation, woohoo! - to the smell of bacon, eggs, and potatoes. My George was cooking BREAKFAST! mmmm.
We ate breakfast in front of the television and watched a movie called "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra" and it is truly Holy Shit Funny. It's an entire movie that makes fun of old horror movies, much like MST3K did, but without the running commentary. Seriously, peeps, I laughed until I cried.
Oh, and in case you're in need of something else that's wildly funny, check out MST3K's 'Shorts' movie. It's several short films that were made in the 50s or 60s to educate kids. So freakin' funny. Especially the one on hygiene.
I just realized that it's New Year's Eve. Huh. I am some kind of boring fool, eh? That my only plans for the biggest party night of the year are to sit on my couch with my TiVo remote, with my laptop sitting on a t.v. tray trying to force myself to write an entry, despite having so much material written down in my 26 notebooks that I am overwhelmed by it all and end up playing Jigsaw Detective on clubpogo.com instead. Shuddup Glenn. (See...Glenn says I've been neglecting y'all...)
Oh, and a big HIHOWAHYA to my mother who, after reading yesterday's entry, suggested THIS instead of ranting on my website.
I have received several emails asking me to post a recap of all the 'someone arrived here searching for....' from this year. Aaaand since it's nearly 3 in the morning and my insomniac ass shows no sign of becoming tired any time soon, I figured 'why not?' and went about doing just that. While going through each page from this year to get those search words, I sometimes got a lil off-course and ended up reading some of my own entries. And decided to share my favorites with you, too. Enjoy!
Oh, and please have a safe and happy New Year's Eve tonight. Emphasis on the 'Safe' part. Please. Don't drink and drive. My uncle and a friend in high school were destroyed by drunk drivers. Don't do that to someone's family. Call a cab.
Gracie's favorite entries:
Pop Goes the Weasel. ahahhahaha. George is funny. It's amazing how many of these conversations we have completely exit my mind after I share them with you. While going through each page from 2004 for this lil experiment, I would sometimes stop and read parts of the entry, and would crack UP over what I was reading. Having a lousy memory means *I* have fun at my site, too! yay! The part of this entry that cracked me up was the last part...about the deaf child signs. George = riot. Anyway, here is the search word from that page:
The Perfect 'O' (the part about my sister's mishap)
2004 Search Term Recap:
Wetter Water
sweet n pantyhose [Ed. Note: Why do you guys like to make my eyes twitch like this? Huh? WHY?]
slap, giggle, poke [Ed. Note: I absolutely Fell. OUT. laughing over this one. I swear, if only for the search phrases, I don't think I can ever give up this hobby o' mine.]
Do People Get Pimples On Their Ass? [Ed. Note: Yes. Yes they do. You're welcome. Now go pop the fucker and get back to reading my site.]
Not as think as you drunk [Ed. Note: Me, too.]
yahtzee burger song [Ed. Note: Now THIS is a game I HAVE to play!]
Joo Joo Bellies
Things I would never buy [Ed. Note: Why...why...why...why...WHY would you search for THIS?]
Publix is a shitty place to work [Ed. Note: Lookin' for a support group, are ya?]
Is Leptoprin any good? [Ed. Note: Sure...if you aren't too attached to your heart.]
My baby is not cute [Ed. Note: I must be destined for hell, because this cracked me up for nearly an hour.]
female bathroom etiquette[Ed. Note: Clean up after yourself and wash your damned hands...beyond that, we don't care. We know you fart, we know you poop, your *ahem* surreptitious flushing of the toilet in tandem with your gas isn't fooling anyone. Just don't make the next person have to clean up after your bad aim. Seriously.]
Should my mail carrier be wearing a uniform? [Ed. Note: Heck no! We want 'em NAKED buddy!]
old african american sayings by grandma [Ed. Note: Shutchyo Mouth!]
dumbass celebrities [Ed. Note: Is there any other kind?]
American equals Cigarette [Ed. Note: I feel like I'm taking a test...American equals Cigarette as Chinese equals Bonsai!]
Michael Jackson Sticks Tongue [Ed. Note: There are just so many options for comments here, that my ear started bleeding. My brain is leaking out of my head.]
Is My Baby Cute or Not? [Ed. Note: No, no he's not. In fact, he looks like somethin' a clown threw up. Toss him back!]
roommate pooping my apartment
Lousy Wife [Looks like George figured out how to use the Internet]
which is from THIS ENTRY which - even though it's my own story - makes me giggle like an idiot whenever I go back and read it...the part about the car alarms. heh. I funny.
Pantyhose on Train [ Were they attached to a body, or just hanging around? ]
First Fart on TV
Fear of Escalators. [I feel your pain, honey. I feel your pain.]
My Father is a Stripper [ Is he good? ]
meaning of dead bird at door or window [ It means you're going to get 7 pimples on your ass by the end of next week. ]
Trailer park sushi [ Oooo! My FAV! Thawed fishsticks! ]
should we abolish columbus day
what is the premise of my fat fiance [I'm thinkin' it'd be a better idea to ask him first. If he refuses to answer, then come back and I'll clue ya in.]
Jesus! I'm only on FEBRUARY! And it's 1:20 in the morning! You all better adore me for doing this for you! Ya hear me? Send me love, peeps! SEND ME LOVE!
Why are babies cute? [wow. how the hell do answer a question like this??]
little brother needs pee [Is there actually a fund for this?]
Music online getting tipsy [My music does crack]
the teenager just can't quit smoking he's tried and can't [ I forgive you.]
What to write on a hockey sign [AmericanAngst.com rawks!!]
Grapenuts
My baby screams in malls. [Apparently Google is the new Confessional.]
all about adulthood [Ohhhh, there's so much to tell...]
who wants sex [is this the new version of a booty call? Type it into a search engine and see who answers??]
Freakin Fries [Sounds like SOMEBODY needs a vacation....]
tight pants for fat men. [Ohhhh, promise me you aren't shopping....]
hasty baker electric stoves
parents cause teenage angst [Yes, yes, of COURSE we do....]
Randy Jackson speak English [I swear I don't make these up]
corduroy etiquette [First, don't wear them in a library. Very bad form. Second, if you weigh more than Kate Moss, for the love-uh-gawd do NOT wear these, as your thighs will assist in catching you on FIRE.]
Jay Leno Pee [ Sorry...we're all sold out. ]
No Men Aloud Lesbian Porn [ So...as long as they're QUIET about it, they will be permitted to join in? ]
Twat Head [ Yeah...I've got nothin'...just can't seem to find anything funnier than the search words themselves. ]
my best friend has the hots for my husband [ Beat Her. Beat Her Good. ]
cat take my eye of you [ Is this some sort of feline curse? ]
Mistermeaner Charge [ Oh, for the love of CHRIST! It's MIS-DE-MEANOR. If you spell it as Mister-meaner, as in 'a meaner man', you must be a defendant. Jesus. ]
deaths american idol car accidents [ Hey, hey, hey, now. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Jennifer Hudson and her over-emoting are gone. Let's wait this out a bit.... ]
kitchen fresh chicken agency [ It's a conspiracy. It's not REALLY fresh....And there's an entire agency workin' that magic. ]
poems for stressed out employees [ roses are red. Violets are blue. When you work for Burger King, that's what ya get. ]
tight pants liver problems
dog keeps hiccuping [ I would recommend switching him from whiskey to beer. The farts will be worse, and he'll try to hump your leg more, but the hiccups'll stop. ]
poop football pants [ I feel no need to add to this. ]
funny sayings about llamas [ Why? No really...WHY?? I swear...sometimes I think that you guys go to search engines and type this shit just to screw with me. ]
wheelchair nickname was at call me [ Ohhhh, it would just be too mean.... ]
naked american hockey [ Ouch. The fux wrong with you?? ]
migraine+bonnie tyler [ Try Air Supply. I hear they only cause spasms in the wrists...much easier on the head. ]
fran drescher porn [ Quite appropriate, nes pas? And not just a little gross. ]
Why do I worry that i got drunk and may have done something wrong? [ Google needs to change its name to The Confessional. Seriously. ]
pitchurs on how to have sex [ Oh. My. GOD. ]
swiss pee girl [ Did she win a contest er sumthin?? ]
pool fro [ Yeah I got nothin' ]
does the pee-pee dance work because I need it now [ Site Meter TOTALLY needs to start including drugs in their packages. I simply cannot handle searches such as this without the aid of chemicals. ]
miniature last supper tattoo [ Just remove the salad ]
Pantyhose Humiliation Stories [ Isn't wearing them enough?? ]
i wore pantyhose today and heels [ How does your wife feel about that? ]
Fart Me in the Face Please [ What happened to good ole peeing on someone?? ]
i hate slamming doors [ i hate asparagus! ]
beat up your stalker
how do you treat a vaginal yeast infection in a dog [I would have to say with lots of Xanax...for the owner.]
can you go bowling at 5 months pregnant? [ Yes, but only if you swear that you'll use the special blow-up bumpers.]
Fart Spandex [Why? Huh? WHY??]
Publix Porn [I'm ashamed to admit that I did a search at google.com after seeing this in my hits list juuuust to see what came up.]
can't hold another drop of pee [Have you tried Tupperware?]
fart night spouse [Wow. And I thought SANDWICH night was bad!!]
please flush the toilet signs [Call me crazy, but I'm pretty certain that they wouldn't fit.]
Am I Hungry? [No. But you will be in 3.2 hours. Thank you for flying Gracie Airlines.]
Judith Light nude [Can't...un....SEE!!! Just damn.]
how do american masturbate? [With wads of cash and while screaming "Death to your Allah!!"]
farter porn [oh that's it. THAT IS IT. I soooo quit.]
mary + boob [Mary WHO??]
how to humiliate your wife [By opening your mouth in public.]
orange gatorade colonic [my eyes! MY EYES!!!]
i think i'm dumb [First step = admitting it, hon. Good for you!]
i can generate a shiver [Good to know!]
brigitte nielsen boobies [Okay, if you're still referring to them as boobies? Too young to be finding them, sport. Now do your homework and get to bed.]
meaning of 'macarthurs park' song [Now, that alone isn't strange. What IS disturbing is that my stats are overloaded with the same person doing this search over SIX HUNDRED times. Literally. SIX HUNDRED PLUS. IT MEANS NOTHING! IT WAS A SONG FROM THE DISCO ERA! LET IT GO!]
tony danza spiderman [Oh God. Please say it isn't so!! Nooo, no no no.]
what mean bakery clerk [THAT mean bakery clerk. Don't you listen to me???]
picture of someone who sucks [Ohhh, I have JUST the perfect one! Buuuut, she'd probably sue me, so....]
picture of an oompa loompa
That's it! And now, because I've been saving so many that I will never have enough entries to use them all, here are others from throughout the year that I haven't used yet:
hot vegas sweetie
queen latifah's big breasts
why hockey players spit so much
gawdam
goofy kids with baseball cap
breast tight
aaaanimal sex
birthday party etiquette - should you put last names on name tags
mistermeaner
he won't call me back (i feel like a catholic priest with all these...or someone's invisible friend...)
what does a racoon sound like?
sucker for british accent
mom's nipple
mom love
does ryan seacrest have any brothers or sisters?
compulsions+funny
bananablood
freakin+
"pee pee dance"
my baby is not cute
shopping holiday rage
burger king ding goes sight
looter Bking
Bonnie Tyler It's a headache
Go Nut Donut
drunk convenience store burger
retarded dogs
porn freak alarm
song ding ding music video cowgirl
waited too long to pee
tiny wanker peepee
vacation boob
belly dance tummy stretch marks
judith light nude. what is WRONG with people??
"Jewish people suck" [ wow. hateful much? ]
gracie pee
GRACIE STANDS. [ first i pee. then I stand. what do i do next?? ]
barry manilow + is he gay? [ duckin FUH ]
judith light tits. [ STOP THIS MADNESS!!! ]
nipples ellen degeneres [ WHY do you people torture me like this?? ]
funny pantyhose movies [ yes, because there are so many to choose from ]
"wanker..priceless" [ see now I have not found that to be the case, generally speaking. ]
diana digarmo I don't cry out loud. [ Weeeeelll, then I'm sure she'll be quite proud o' you. Since she tole' ya not to, an' all. ]
ding, pies are done!... work at burger king. [ Fries, dammit.FRIES! ]
tight pants" men -shopping -catsuit -infertility [ some of these simply don't require comment. ]
mowing etiquette suburbs
fran drescher porn
ding toast is done [ TOAST?? the TOAST is done??? ]
late adulthood notes on kobe
naked american hockey
etiquette in hockey
wheelchair nickname was at call me [ ohhhh, it would just be too mean.... ]
bill handel sucks - [ hey! no he does NOT! He's a riot! He yells at people and calls 'em idiots. TOTALLY rocks. ]
arabia+porn
actual queef pictures [ are ya freakin' KIDDING me??? ]
pictures of people squatting going poop
this old bitch is sick porn
"you wish you were a girl" [ sometimes...but not as much as my husband wishes I was... ]
my butt cam
my next door neighbors in pantyhose
pantyhose humiliation
america in angst and fries
oh mom pussy
breast +tight
make laughs the picture
sister in law screwing
cocklicker
pa
ding your fries are done
hockey etiquette
ding goes the fries
mr. happy pants
fran drescher porn (why? huh? WHYWHYWHY?)
two hands why men women
dig fries are done
See ya next year, kiddos!! Gracie loves ya!
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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