:: American Angst :: |
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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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Yeah...been gone a while. Sorry about that. Had a bad string o' luck there.
So. Remember a while back I was bitching about the dreaded colonoscopy? Ohhhh how I wish I'd just been happy with that. No, no bad results from that. ...yet
anyway. The good news is that, 2 days after having butt-cam 2004, I fell through my deck and cracked my ankle.
Can I just say that a camera slammed deep into your nether regions is WAY more comfortable than spraining an ankle and cracking a bone and bruising your body
beyond the colors of the rainbow? At least for butt-cam I was put to sleep (with THE best drugs EVER. I've already decided to sign up for once monthly
colonoscopies just so I can get that sort of sleep on a regular basis.)
I was walking out onto the deck with George two days after Butt-Cam. It was around noon and we were stepping outside to have a cigarette by the pool and sort
through some old family pictures that I wanted to frame for our walls. The pictures were in a huge briefcase that I was carrying and I was preoccupied with
it and something silly that George had just said which meant that, of course, I forgot to side-step the loose board on the deck...I knew it was there, but
just forgot and literally fell right through. Yuck part is that only one leg went through the deck while the other chose to stay up on top and so it twisted
and sprained itself and cracked the bone a teeny-bit. At the time...while I was dangling between up-above and down-below, I had NO idea how the hell I was
going to extricate myself from the deck without severing one limb and seriously YOWCH-ing the other and made the decision that I was just going to live
there. Right there. In the deck. Moving was NOT something I was interested in attempting.
Needless to say, George convinced me that taking up residence within the deck was not an option and that taking a road trip to the emergency room WAS, in
fact, the only option available. So I went about pulling myself out while hollering at anyone and everyone to "GETAWAYGETAWAYGETAWAY! DOOOON'T-TOUCH-MEEEEE!"
It was loads of fun. The bruises and scrapes are sooo pretty, too. I LOVE being me.
not.
The good news is that my name is just ohhhh-so-fitting. Grace. Riiiight.
I was even sweet enough to
take pictures for you. Yep. You can feel my love for you, can you not? Enjoy My Pretties!
You know it's finally time to admit that you're old when:
1. Your favorite songs from your teen years are being used not just in car ads, but COFFEE ads...Have you seen the latest one? With the old Eye of the Tiger
group? They're following a Cube-Monkey around in elevators and all over the place and hollering at him to the tune of their old song: "Glen. GLEN GLEN GLEN!"
and then discuss caffeinated beverages at the same volume. ugh. painful. SOOO very painful.
2. your favorite actors/actresses are no longer in cool commercials for clothing and hair products, ohhhh no no no. They are now in commercials for old
person products like depends, eye drops for rapidly drying eyes, menopause, arthritis, and remedies for penile dysfunction. Whadda joy.
It's depressing.
The flipside to that is there is a new commercial out that sends me into fits of laughter every time I see it: a Dairy Queen ad where a man with a speech
impediment says something like: "I can remember the day very clearly..." and then they cut to a scene where he and his wife are in the kitchen and she's
baking something chocolate...brownies I'm assuming, and she asks him if he'd like to lick the beaters. He nods happily and grabs the beaters, begins to lick
them, and then accidentally flips the 'On' switch and his tongue gets twisted in the beaters while he screams like a little girl. Then the announcer's voice
informs us that it's probably a lot safer to just go to DQ and order one of their new brownie blizzards next time. Riot. TOTALLY cracks me up. Yes, I realize
that it doesn't take much to please me.
I am positively obsessed with Court TV. My tivo is bursting at the seams from all the shows I record from just this one channel. It fascinates me. Not the
courtroom itself--though I enjoy that too--no, I am most interested in the forensic shows. Namely: Dr. Henry Lee. He is a brilliant forensic scientist and his ability to analyze blood spatters in order to reconstruct a crime is
nothing short of amazing.
I read in Men's Health (George's Men's Health...I AM still a girl) that it isn't healthy to be so fascinated by criminal stories. Someone had written in to
one of their many advice columnists that they were constantly reading about serial killers and wondered if they were normal. He was told "No." I disagree. I
think it means that you are fascinated by the investigative process as well as the lengths these minds had to go to to be able to commit such heinous acts of
violence. The psyche is an amazing, beautiful, terrifying entity and I just can't get enough of it all. Doesn't mean I'm sick n' twisted (shut up!) or that
I'm violent and aching to commit murder and am just lookin' for tips. Just love watching the process the investigators go through to figure it all out. It's
awesome.
P.S., Also, I think it's adorable how Dr. Lee is such an expert on blood analysis and is unable to pronounce the word properly. Never Blood. Always Bluh.
Heh.
Glenn's Link O' the Day: Hogzilla (Gracie Note: Be sure to
click on the picture for a larger view and repeat to yourself: Gracie thought this was his TAIL...Gracie thought this was his TAIL.)
Joey's Link O' the Day: Is that a tin in your pocket or...?
Carolyn's Link O' the Day: Get Yo'seff a Flesh Eating
Virus!
Someone Arrived Here Searching For: can't hold another drop of pee [Have you tried Tupperware?]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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