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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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So I just bought one of the greatest inventions EVER (next to Tivo & the Jump Drive, of course) and that is the Electric Blanket. Ohhhh, how I love my new blankie. George keeps calling me rude names alluding to my intelligence level. Mostly because I hop in bed each night and I giggle and murmur (loudly) all "ooo-hooo-hOOOOO! heheeee! My byankie WAAAAARM!!" He can call me 'Corky' all he wants. Don't care. Nope. TOTALLY worth it.
Have you seen Desperate Housewives? SO damned funny. I know, I know, it's predictable and cheesy and all the other things you'd say about a soap, even a prime-time soap, but where else can you find hilarity in parents who deal with their son running over a woman and putting her in a coma by grounding him and arguing over whether to force him to quit the swim team? Heh. I love it.
So my sister called me the other day and made me just about wet my pants laughing. Now, I am sure I have mentioned that I just adore my sister. You hear people say things about people all the time like "She is an angel from God" and you probably roll your eyes and don't really think they mean it, but let me tell you - this is the truth about my sister. She is amazing and compassionate and a truly lovely human being. Aside from that, she is damn funny, too. The best part about my sister isn't just that she's a lot like me with her goofiness and habit of making silly mistakes, but that she will immediately CALL me and tell me all about it. You have to love someone that is comfortable enough to laugh at herself.
So she calls me and tells me that she has finally done something to top the One Eye incident. Ohhh, I didn't tell y'all about the One Eye incident? Well then...I must fill you in. Don't worry, I'll get to the other one in a minute. But first: One Eye.
My sister works in a dermatology clinic. She's been there close to 5 years and does pretty much anything and everything in the office on any given day. On this day, she was setting follow-up appointments for exiting patients. It was a very busy day and she didn't have time to be sociable with the patients, as she normally would. The next person stepped to her window and she absently took the paperwork from the woman, read the doctor's notes and began looking for an available appointment. As she was doing this, the woman commented on my sister's ring. It's a silver snake with two red eyes. Or at least, it used to have two red eyes. My sister looked at her ring and said "I don't know...I used to like it, but it's sort of defective now..." and as she was saying the rest of the sentence, she looked up, and it was too late to stop her mouth from finishing... "...it's only got one eyyyyeeeuh." That's right. You guessed it. The woman she said this to had only One Eye. She replied to my sister with "Well! *I* don't see anything WRONG with that at all!" and stomped out.
And now, 6 months later, she has managed to top it.
Last week, the clinic was very busy, due to the upcoming holidays. People in...people out...kids...just incredibly full of people. Sometime around mid-morning, the staff noticed a rancid smell emanating from the lobby area. They had seen a woman changing her child's diaper in the waiting area moments before, and thought perhaps the woman had tossed the diaper somewhere
in the lobby. My sister, saint that she is, volunteered to find the offending matter and get it out of the office. She walked around, searching, and couldn't find anything. She walked and walked and searched and searched...nothing. She then decided that the woman must've left the diaper in the bathroom. So sis walks to the bathroom and did the ole 'knock on the door while opening the door' action that is never a good idea. Why is that never a good idea? Because bathrooms tend to have PEOPLE in them. OLD people. Specifically? 75-year-old MEN people. As this one did. Yessirree, folks. My sister walked in on a 75-year-old man taking a wicked shit in the bathroom which, as you can imagine, was the source of the offending smell. Even better, she scared the
(I HAVE TO) shit out of him, too. It's amazing he didn't die of cardiac arrest right there. Instead, he stood STRAIGHT up (ohhhh her eyes will never be the same) and his mouth contorted itself into the most perfect 'O' my sister had ever seen.
I'd like to say that it ended there. Oh but it didn't. She went back behind the frosted window and tried to hide. The old man left. The women she works with demanded to know what happened. They laughed upROARiously as she related the blow-by-blow account of their first meeting, there in the bathroom. And they all died just a little bit with my sister as the old man walked BACK into the office just in time to see my sister imitating him shooting himself off the toilet and making that perfect, round 'O' with her mouth.
See? Not just me, peeps.
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
picture of someone who sucks
[Ohhh, I have JUST the perfect one! Buuuut, she'd probably sue me, so....]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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