:: American Angst :: |
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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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(Oh, and P.S., pleeease do not email Ms. Gracie asking her how to get these tones onto your phone. There are many many different kinds of phones, services, etc., and many more ways to send the tones to your phone and I am certainly not an expert, so you'd do best to go to Google and type in your phone model and 'send ringtones to my phone'. Good luck! And if anyone figures out how to get these ringtones onto a Blackberry 6230? Dude...TOTALLY have to tell me how! I desperately want these on my phone!)
Aaaaand you guessed it! People did it anyway. They actually wrote to me asking how to get the ringtones onto their phones. Some even went so far as to send me their phone type and model numbers...as though I have a section of brain that retains each and every cellphone service, phone type, and model number, and another section that saves all technical specs and instructions. SIIIIGH. I reeeeeally want to believe that they did it on purpose...to be funny. Sure, sure, that could be it. But ALL of them? Really? Naaaah, not likely that THAT many people possess a dry wit and sense of irony.
I received many responses to the Poop Question and here is a random sampling:
The first suggestion is absolutely BRILLIANT and is from Tek:
I was reading your entry under your advice column section where you
talked of other co-workers eyeing shoes under the stalls for
identification purposes, well here's an easy solution! Leave a seperate
pair of shoes in your purse, put those on in the stall and then change
when the bathroom is empty and leave. anyone who saw "that noisy girl
in the green aligator shoes" wont find you, because your shoes will now
be some other kind.
The next is quite funny and is from Mike:
I read Poop Shy's dilemma. I have but a typical male response and solution for it:
1. Let it rip while the co-worker is in the next stall and afterwards EXCLAIM in a LOUD voice " GOAAAAWDDAYYYYYYM...LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING"
2.After you tinkle after the poop...MOAN LOUDLY and say..."OOOOOHHHH IT BURNS...GOD I HOPE THAT PENICILLIN STARTS WORKING SOON"
This is MY humble advice and I hope it suits her needs... :D
-Mike
The last one comes from Barb, and is more of an "I can relate" story than anything else, but it's just so funny that I had to share it with you all:
I really got a chuckle out of the "poop" dilemma. Heres a little story for ya. I work for law enforcement. Picture the uniform, the belt with all the hardware needed for the job...now picture someone who has occasional bouts with IBS. Its bad enough to have avoid the coworkers with the desk jobs when you "have to go" ( Worked out this problem by using the restroom next to the men's locker room and blaming the poor ventilation for the odor) The problem starts with the field duties. Its hard to look official when your rushing to any public restroom. Full uniform, walking fast... in the ass clenched duck walk to avoid an accident. The belt alone weighs five pounds and it's hard to drop the pants without letting them rocket straight to the filthy floor of a public restroom. Just picture the scene leaving the stall, washing your hands, my police radio squawking, badge all shiny and leaving behind the stench. Just another reason to pick on the cops. I have heard enough about all the greasy donuts I must consume to have to "go" like that. My partner knows what's up but can't refuse to call me "pooper trooper" , ( like that never gets old) And now the topper of all this...the fact that I'm a woman and I have been given the curse of the once a month friend. Heavy flow days with the most super duper tampons and pads, and still needing to endure the public restrooms from hell. Lets see...weapon...check....handcuffs....check.....baton...check....super size, mega absorbent tampons and pads...check...OH JOY!!!
Now picture the areas we patrol....only the very best 'hoods and their public restrooms. (shudders) I have seen restrooms which will make grown men scream like little girls. Worst is.. I have had to use them.
It ends on a happier note. Finally have enough years to get the desk job. Now I have to endure the snotty ladies who feel it necessary to spray a noxious cloud of potpourri Lysol when they enter the bathroom. Somehow they made it scarier with the fake flowery smell mixed with a little stench than the worst bathrooms in the 'hood.
Take Care Gracie, Keep up the good work!
A forever fan,
Barb
---------------------------------------
I wanted to wait and see if this was going to work out before I mentioned it here, and it has, so here is a bit of explanation as to why I've been so absent lately (in addition to the crazy work schedule):
I won a writing contest with the NHL's Atlanta Thrashers' hockey team and am now their Fan Correspondent. (Yay me!!) I write about the hockey games (from a fan's point of view) a few times a month and they post the entries on their website, which means I get to go to even MORE hockey games than before, which of COURSE makes me very, very happy.
This 'gig' will last the rest of this season, but I will do my best to write more here, as well. If you're interested in reading my entries for the hockey team, you can go directly to THIS PAGE. Keep in mind that the page is continuously updated each time we have a game or something occurs that relates to the team/franchise, so there is a LOT of content on that one page. You will have to scroll a bit to read all of my entries (as of today's date, there are about 4 or 5 entries of mine on their site).
If you have any trouble with the link above, try http://www.atlantathrashers.com and click on the blue button on the right side of the page labeled 'Blueland Blog', and --once you're on the blog page-- do a search (IE users can use the shortcut CTRL+F) for 'Jen' (which happens to be my 'real' name, for those who weren't around when the nickname George assigned to me took hold. )
I'm telling you, this is just ONE MORE STEP on the ladder called "I'm-a Gonna Be Rich n' Famous One Day"!!! Yippeeeee!!!
So my phone rang earlier today and this is how THAT slice of heaven went:
*Riiiiing*
Gracie: "Hello?"
Frigging Idiot #891: "Lemmuh talka tiffnee"
Gracie: "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number"
Frigging Idiot #891: "TiffNEE!"
Gracie: "Noooo, you have the wrong number"
Frigging Idiot #891: "Who deeus? Jojuh?"
Gracie: "Dude. you HAVE the wrong NUMBER"
Frigging Idiot #891: "Jojuh! da you??"
Gracie: "What is WRONG with you?"
Frigging Idiot #891: "Whey tiffnee AT??"
Gracie: "I want you to do me a favor, okay?"
Frigging Idiot #891: "Uhhhh"
Gracie: "LET GO of the crack pipe and LISTEN TO ME!
Frigging Idiot #891: "Whachoo say?"
Gracie: "YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER, MORON! Now hang up because you aren't smart enough to use a phone!"
Frigging Idiot #891: "Jojuh, whattup? whey tiffnee??"
Gracie: "Frigging idiot." *click*
So I needed someone from the I.T. department to upload a file for me today since I was having licensing issues and couldn't access our company's servers. I am forever bugging these guys because I am so very, very overloaded and often need their assistance with the servers, etc., and I KNOW that they are developing a lasting hatred of me, so I try to be very appreciative, gracious, and I try to inject a bit of humor here and there, in the hopes that it will delay my eventual murder at their hands. Usually they will offer up a half-hearted response, a giggle or something, to let me know that they 'get it' and that we're 'cool'. Sometimes, though, I just go off on a bizarre tangent that *I* think is funny, but apparently nobody else does...and on those occasions, I don't even get a response from them. Aaaaand, today was just one of those occasions:
Sent to I.T. guy after he agreed to stop what he was doing and upload the file for me:
Thanks, you're a peach!
(don't you hate that phrase?? People say that to me all the time and I think... "Why would that be considered a compliment? You're basically saying 'You did something I appreciate, and that makes me think of you as pale, round, and fuzzy.' Hey, THANKS!")
Sorry...I've had WAY too much coffee today.
~Gracie
Yep...didn't even get a forced CHUCKLE from 'em...
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
lime peeing
pantyhose stalker
these fries are done
large clear photos of kim cattrall nude
"boobs for christmas"
my wife wants to fuck a dog [well good GRIEF...how bad at it ARE you??]
minivan with flames
big smelling turd gallery
ring the fries are done
what does je vous aime beaucoup translate to english [best translation site out there: http://www.altavista.com/babelfish]
smelly poop pics [how much did your computer COST, exactly?? A PC that emits scents...WOW.]
bound and gagged dogs [hey! it's CHRISTMASTIME! Can't you sick bastards lay off the demented shit for ONE MONTH?? Yeesh.]
monster boobs
ann coulter boobs
what does black poop mean?
screw my husband free [hhaaaahahahaha. Like women would PAY for it?? There's a REASON there aren't many male hookers...straight ones, anyway...]
why do men shiver when they pee
1 [that's not a typo...someone ACTUALLY searched for the number ONE. I swear to God, these people will one day cause my head to pop RIGHT OFF my shoulders!]
funny office christmas song
ding fries are done i've got to run i work at burger king [it never ceases to amuse me the way people get the lyrics all mangled.]
pms explained to men [plain and simple version: 'cause you're DEAD INSIDE and we aren't. Deal with it.]
nude squat
can i pee in my wifes mouth [only if you have LOTS of money, a recently drafted will, and TONS of life insurance on yourself.]
new boobs for christmas song
yahoo voice freezer
shirley valentine explanation
ding dong pussy -"bell" -dell
download ear squats
DING THERE THE BELL... WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPLE PIE WITH THAT!
tits santa hats
a bit of dog screwing [just a bit?? WHY? Because if you only look for a second, that means you're LESS perverted??]
waxing my fanny
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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