:: American Angst :: |
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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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Ohhhh, I have SO much to tell you!
I have literally filled an entire memo pad with notes of things to post here. And I know...I've neglected my peeps. I am sorry. But until THIS pays my mortgage? Gotta do the other thing first, y'all.
So..let's get on with it.
You know you are in SERIOUS need of hormonal help when you CRY at a SYLVAN LEARNING center commercial!! I am not kidding. Less than 10 minutes ago I found myself crying at the one where it's the mom's birthday and the kid (who, by the way = CHEEEEAP) gives his mom a present, but it's not a REAL present (say diamonds er sumthin) no...it's his report card. And she gets all teary-eyed over it. We are to infer that the boy was a slack-ass, 'F' gettin fool until Sylvan came along and shaped him up. And I CRIED at this. And I have SEEN IT a hundred times before!! GOD. Someone help me. PLEASE.
So I had this dream the other night....
I dreamed that I was babysitting a friend's baby and all was going fine n' dandy and then...suddenly it was later on and I was finishing cooking dinner and realized that I had acciDENTALLY cooked their child. Yep. Ohhh and it gets better. I had cooked sausage...big ole sausage links. I boiled them (which....why??) and apparently felt that the child looked like a sausage (from behind mostly, but gotta say it looked like a sausage from the front, too...except for, you know, the badly drawn face on the front.)
The worst part was the reason that it was all so traumatic and sad: Not because I BOILED a friend's BABY, but because I left her in the water too long. Apparently if I had just removed her a few minutes sooner, she'd have been fine and the whole incident would have been considered nothing more than a BATH.
George says if I don't cut this dreaming shit out he's getting a lawyer, cause he can't take the brain cramps that come with trying to figure out what the HELL is wrong with me.
You know what I can't stand? Besides everything, of course? When comedians do this thing where they say something funny then immediately following it, rather than just pausing silently and allowing people to laugh, they say "Aaaaand uhhhhh" which means *Insert Laugh Here* or, more to the point, "I've written this funny line, and you are supposed to laugh here, but I don't want you to miss any following gems of comedic genius, which you are SURE to laugh over if I keep going, so I will write in the ole standby "AAAaand, Uhhhh" to allow for uproarious laughter, and will then continue with my bit once the tears have stopped and the knee slapping's died down."
Ohhhh how it makes me cringe. It has such an air of desperation and sadness to it. I so want to go to these people and (after a coupla smacks and shoulder shakings, of course) say: "Dude? Deal with the pause. Do so silently. Smile at us if you must. But NO MORE AAAAND UHHHHHs, OKAY???" and then, you know, ask for their autographs 'n stuff.
It's very much like the 'zinger' they do on sitcoms immediately preceding a commercial. They will have an actor deliver a line, which is supposed to be funny, then cut straight to a commercial. We are so trained by this, we will laugh during the first 2 seconds of the commercial, just because we think we're 'upposed ta. Regardless of whether the line was actually funny. Pay attention next time you're watching a sitcom and you'll see what I'm talking about. See how often a supposed funny line is delivered right before the commercial, and see how tempted you are to laugh, regardless of the quality of the humor.
For the many people that have written in, after perusing my store, to ask the meaning behind the 'Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck' mugs and t-shirts, I figured it best to address it here:
The phrase 'Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck' came from my parents, of all places. They were on vacation in Key West and were in a gift shop, searching for stuff to bring back to their kids (I'm 35 years old, and they STILL do this...it's actually very sweet) and they saw a t-shirt that had that exact phrase on it and it cracked them both up...to the point that they were laughing so hard they were crying. And for the rest of their trip, each time one of them said something...anything...the other would respond with "Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck!" and they'd lose it all over again.
So I just had to create the mugs and t-shirts and buy them for all of us. And then I figured...why not share them with my readers? Most of them are the type that would find it funny, right? Right.
So....what're ya waitin' for?? GO BUY SOME SHIT!
Reminds me of the time my parents were on vacation years ago (again...in Florida) and they were (again) shopping for souvenirs and saw a postcard that looked incredibly familiar. They looked closer and found that it was a picture of THEM. On a postcard! It was from a vacation we had taken back in the 80s, at the beach, and they had NOT been asked to have their picture taken, they were not asked to sign anything permitting the picture-taker to use their images, and the postcard was SO NOT FLATTERING. My mother was lying on a float...on the SAND. My father was in a lawn chair, sleeping, with his hat over his face, and a beer nearby. Funny picture, but alarming nonetheless. How would YOU feel if you were looking through postcards and found yourself staring at your own image from years ago??
This is one of the reasons I am just WAITING to be one of those people in the 'Don't!!' columns in fashion mags or news stories about fat people, where my eyes are covered with a black bar, but it's obvious that it's me. Yep. Shuttup...I do NOT have issues!!
WHY does Oprah have to repeat herself right before commercial breaks? It's never "We'll be right back." Noooo, it's always, always, always "We'll be right back. We'll be right back." Why? WHY? In case I freak out and see commercials at 4:12 p.m. and wail that Oprah is NEVER COMING BACK? Or that if she only says it ONCE I won't believe her? But saying it twice will ease my troubled mind? WHAT??? WHY???
Joey's Link O' the Day: One-eyed Bob's Inappropriate Toys for Children
Glenn's Link O' the Day: Are aliens outsourcing now, too?!?
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
Mom Sweet Pussy
and also for:
Randy Jackson in Spandex
[ I can't decide which is more disturbing... ]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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