:: American Angst :: |
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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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Okay...so how many of you have been bemusedly watching us down here with our silly little ice storm? Oh, don't lie. I used to do it when I lived in New York. I remember there being several feet of snow on the ground...we had school that day anyway (no biggie!) and we watched the news about how Georgia got a few inches and they were freaking the fuck out down there. I still remember seeing them interviewing a man on the street who was selling crappy shovels for twenty bucks a piece. Ohhhh, how we laughed.
And here I am now...23 years later and I get it. Well...at least more than I did. The main reason people down here lose their shit when we get wintry weather is because we aren't used to it. At all. We don't know how to drive in it (most people don't know how to drive period. Let alone in dangerous conditions.) Also, we get maaaaybe two winter storms a year...if that. The whole city shuts down and we giggle our asses off while curled up on our couches, by the roaring fireplace, while the rest of the country is at work. Yep, we loooove being idiots.
The part I DON'T get is what these people do the day before the wimpy winter storm arrives. These people lose their ever-lovin' MINDS at the grocery store. I usually plan ahead, but this time I was wildly busy with work and wasn't able to get to the store for groceries. So I had to go with the moron fatalists. These people act like they're going to be socked away in their homes till SPRING.
You may recall that I hate people. Crowds even more. Crowds at grocery stores the most. And this experience would surely try my ability to keep from shooting people in the face.
I should have realized how horrible this would be when I walked in and saw that there were no shopping carts available. Considering they have hundreds of them, I should have taken this as my cue to turn around and walk back to my car. The one parked a mile away because all the spots were full. But no, we needed dinner for the evening, and I'd promised The Kiddo that I'd make spaghetti. Plus I wanted hot chocolate. So onward I went. I had to wait. in. line for a cart, and it just went downhill from there. All the usual annoyances such as jackasses parking their carts in the CENTER of an aisle, then leaving it to go check out the produce section on the other side of the store...and I am unable to keep myself from smashing their cart out of the way with my cart. I know I shouldn't do it...and yet I do.
Then there are the people who inevitably run into someone they know and they inSIST on blocking the entire aisle with their carts so they can chat...and acting all huffy when I have the NERVE to ask politely if they could please move so I can SHOP IN A FUCKING GROCERY STORE...you know...stuff like that.
So I'm reminding myself to breathe....breathe....and I made my way to the meat section to obtain hamburger for the spaghetti and to what did my wondering eyes appear? A (badly) handwritten sign taped to the EMPTY meat section that said: "We're out of meat" ...out...of...MEAT. WHATTHEFUCK!? Another woman got there at the same time I did and we exchanged a baffled look. So I was forced to angrily stomp through the rest of the store loudly muttering "what is WRONG with you people?? IT'S ONE FREAKIN' DAY that we're going to have icy roads! ONE FREAKIN' DAY!" ...nobody answered.
So I got home and watched the news, because I'm a glutton. And all that night and into the next day they showed reporters out and about giving us minute by minute updates on the roads and people. These reporters stood three feet from the highway...at NIGHT. Does the word 'distraction' mean nothing to these dolts?? Increasingly dangerous roads, and they stand out there with a television camera...and LIGHTS and wonder why wrecks seem to happen RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE. Idiots.
Then they took it to a whole new level by stationing a reporter outside a grocery store to film people's carts and to ask them what they bought. I am NOT kidding.
Saturday morning they interviewed a woman who was out walking around. She was around 50 or so and when asked why she was out, she said: "Well...I went out around 4 this morning and walked to Dunking Donuts." DunkinG. With a 'G'. Of course...I shouldn't be surprised...she only had makeup on ONE EYE.
Why am I so surprised and annoyed by this behavior? They ALWAYS do this.
Oh, and we've all heard the phrase from the post office about how "Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night shall stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds" right? Uh-huh....TOTAL bullshit, my friend. Because here in Georgia? Not a single mail truck was seen this weekend. NOT. ONE.
My irritation was obviously increasing, which meant that I needed to send a few emails to the television stations. WHY are you surprised?
*********** BEGIN FORWARDED MESSAGE ***********
Tune in next week when I post the return email I am SURE to receive informing me that the offending party is blind and suffers from cerebral palsy.
The other night George and I were watching some odd documentary on the food channel, and they showed people inside factories, and their various jobs. The one that shattered my sweet George was the food taster job. These people were shown microwaving Stouffers mac n' cheese and other meals, and he lost. his. mind:
George:*Eyes widen...mouth shapes itself into a perfect 'O' and he slowly turns his head to me...and is unable to form words*
Gracie: *Laughs* "Ohhhh, you want that job, don't you?"
George: "Dude!! I could get PAID to eat MAC N' CHEESE EVery DAY?! That is actually a JOB!?"
Gracie: "Looks that way, sweetie."
George: *Grabs at Gracie's laptop* "Look 'em up! LOOK. THEM. UP! STOUFFERS DOT COM!! I'LL MOVE!!! I'll do ANYTHING! Look them UP!"
Hours later, when we were watching something else on a completely different channel, George suddenly wonders aloud:
"If you have a job tastin' stuff...do you get a lunch break??"
What'm I gonna do with him?
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
tight top breast [ as opposed to a tight LOWER breast?? ]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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