:: American Angst ::

Wednesday, Jun. 22, 2005 Jeopardy and That Stink.... For the people who've been searching over and over for the Fuck You You Fucking Fuck mugs and t-shirts, here are direct links: F-You mug | F-You shirt - White | F-You shirt - Gray ********************************* So. George has discouraged me from applying to be a contestant on Jeopardy! (hey..it's their exclamation point, not mine). It's not that I'm not smart enough to play (well...not totally) it's just that when I know the answer but it's on the tip of my tongue and the asshole contestant calls out the answer a millisecond before I do, I am then forced to screech "FUUUUUCK!" So George thinks it'd be best that I not appear on the show...he seems to think they'd frown on my penchant for Tourette-like cursing when my competitive side kicks in and I'm not fast enough to display my brilliance. So the last question of the episode, where the contestants write their responses in jagged handwriting on little computer monitors, was the following: "The first name of this man - born february 15, 1564 - was derived from his parents' surname, a common Tuscan habit at the time." The hell? Well obviously I don't know the answer...and judging from my previous responses to questions (or is it answers?) that I didn't know (Gracie: "NUGGET! What is a NUGGET!" Trebek: "The correct question is Hand.") I didn't even attempt to determine the correct response. Instead I let loose with: Gracie: "Someone write 'Fucker'!! DO IT!! It's a name AND a habit...Come ON! Someone do it!" They didn't. One lady (who I am not entirely convinced was an actual woman) wrote a question mark. The smug guy who, earlier in the show, confidently yelled out the word malapropism and looked wildly stunned that he was wrong (oooohhh the irony), wrote 'Shakes. Peare.' (on two lines) and the third guy? The one who wrote the correct answer? He wrote 'Galileo' Gracie: "The hell is THAT?? What the hell kind of habit is Galileo???" George: (pointing to Gracie): "Gal. I. Lay....Oooh!" Yeah...somehow I don't think the producers will be knockin' down our door. ********************************* Have any of you seen Lisa Kudrow's new show The Comeback? Ohhhh it's so deliciously painful. She plays an aging has-been actress who used to star in a sitcom years ago (and whose impression of herself is much higher than anyone else's.) She's been hired to do a new sitcom where, initially, she was told that she would be playing one of four smart, single women in their thirties. She was supposed to be an architect or something, and she's just so smug about being the 'star' coming to the show. She soon learns that the entire show has been rewritten and she is now the much older aunt -- a bit part to be optimistic -- and her costars are young hotties in their early twenties. At the same time, the studio is filming a reality series with her character as the star, chronicling her comeback. The camera crew has no interest in her whatsoever, and take large delight in filming her painful rebuffs from any and all humans. Ohhh it's wretched in the best of ways. The head writer on the fake sitcom hates. her. guts. and shows it unabashedly; not just in the awful part she's playing, but directly to her face, and when the 'reality' cameras capture these insulting exchanges, her character tries so hard to pretend she's not hurt by it or that she doesn't realize what he's doing. It's painful. And I love it. I was also pleasantly surprised to note during the ending credits that Lisa co-wrote and produced the show, which makes it that much better. It was like watching a Christopher Guest movie...except I get to revel in the awkwardness weekly. Awesome. ********************************* Or perhaps you've seen the commercial set in a grocery store where one woman just walks right up to another woman in the Sanitary/Hygiene aisle and asks 2nd Woman about Stinky Twat. And the 2nd woman? Dooooesn't even skip a beat or look offended...just agrees and is all "Oooooh, I HATE that." The hell??? Friggin' gross. ********************************* Email exchange from earlier today: -----Original Message----- From: [email protected] Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 16:07:55 To: Gracie and other family members Subject: My Dream with Paul Newman So....in my dream last night, where I was showing Paul Newman the town, and we were running through cool buildings downtown and then when we got to the one that had a club where you dressed up in costumes and Paul was just going to be himself and Mom didn't think I should be Cinderella like I wanted to be, she thought Paul might not think that was right, and she kept wanting me to help [The Kiddo]/[Gracie's Sister] child get their costume and she just wouldn't go home even though I told her a hundred times I needed to work with Paul alone and she should leave.......... I swear to God, if I ever do that to my girls they can just shoot me! -----Original Message----- From: Gracie To: Gracie's Mom and assorted family members Sent: 6/22/2005 12:18 PM Subject: Re: My Dream with Paul Newman Yeeeeah...I uh...I heard they have pills for this sorta thing? Just a thought... Signed, Where the hell was *I* in all this, hmm??? -----Original Message----- From: Gracie To: Gracie's Mom and assorted family members Sent: 6/22/2005 12:18 PM Subject: Re: My Dream with Paul Newman Just so you don't feel alone, mom: Yesterday afternoon, one of my favorite coworkers, Paul (not Newman), called me at home to relate the dream he had the night before...about ME: He was at the office and nobody else was there. I showed up with two bags and I was all excited and told him that I had been shopping at this discount store and found some christmas ornaments dirt CHEAP and I had bought them all for him...to decorate his tree at home. I insisted that he come right over to my cube to view my wares. As I pulled them out of the bags, he saw that they were ornaments made of dough (you know...like [Gracie's Brother]'s Christmas Poop??) and they were all little pianos that were made in perfect detail, right down to the piano keys made of sequins. Just then, the department vice president and our female director (paul's boss and mine) came in and found the ornaments just STUNNING and decided that the most brilliant idea in the world would be to make these ornaments ourselves for use as a marketing campaign for our company's latest release. Paul was put in charge of getting these ornaments made and the bosses refused to let him leave the office until they were all done to their satisfaction. Paul stopped the story here to let me know that, the night before, he had been getting some groceries at Kroger and walked past the bakery and saw these huge, delicious-looking doughnuts and kept thinking in his head 'mmmm...doooooughnuts...mmmmm...those look goooooood' but managed to exert a bit of self-control (is that a WORD?? a real WORD?? who has THAT??) and didn't buy any. He then resumed the dream-story: Paul was not allowed to leave the office and he was having THE hardest time with the sequins and piano parts and lovely me, I stayed with him and kept feeding him doughnuts. Each time he would finish one and become depressed about his plight, I would offer him another doughnut and he would happily accept it with his mouth. He was pleasantly dumbfounded that I seemed to possess an endless supply of his favorite snack. And that was it. This is the same coworker who told me a few months back, after I'd said something particularly funny to him: "I love you. If I weren't gay? You would TOTALLY be my wife!" I'm gonna miss him. ********************************* Someone Arrived Here Searching For: laugh my ass of pictures girl showing poop shitty asshole "runaway bride" tits eyes cologne fire hazard faster than shit goose news stories+baby boiled serena williams a drag queen ding dong tits pms how men should be understanding "told me to bite" sexy traffic reporters sexy pictures of couples at the dinner table funny pictures first name of dumb american "you need a good beating" [George! Quit playing with Google!] spanky bottom boss de wow pee dance cartoon i pee in my pants [friggin french people freak me OUT] take my pusy [only if you take my dick-shun-arry] why do fingers turn pruny? "in my ass" [I don't even want to KNOW if these two searches are related...] big ass oprah pictures jennifer wilbanks sucks [then take the ring back and don't show up at the church...duh.] how big are oprah's tits what's wrong with jennifer wilbanks eyes [they don't have an off switch? I've known two people who are wide-eyed weirdos and both were ridiculously insecure. Oh and liars...] lick my pussy you black bitch [aaahahahahahaha. no.] lil kims boobs real or fake [with that kinda sag goin' on? Either they're real or she was taken for a ride by her plastic surgeon and oughta sue.] a man says shhh in gracie films pee burns old snatch pimps and there whore pictures [isn't it funny that, if you knew the difference between 'there' and 'their', you probably would be checking stock symbols on msn.com instead of being made fun of on American Angst??] "colonoscopy blues" [more like browns, but whatever...] i hate paula abdul kid pees and dies from rock my sister has a perfect ass [and YOU my friend have a perfectly fucked up mind.] pictures of horse feces demi moore fart girl pooping in the park bitch shutup pictures tushy meaning wrongness of the day lick my ass and smell my fart [see above] who the fuck cares nancy grace thunder thighs fucked bailey and bella [welp. Looks like mah stalker's back!] i enjoy to pee in my pants [see?? Friggin French] i love girls farts [Friggin UK?] buy american shit gracie's day off video [ooooh, wouldn't that be FASCINATING] how to get my dog to screw my pussy turn around and grace me with your beauty i door ding a coworkers car etiquette breast freaks fart porn galleries need ass picture [need??] nancy grace freaks out cuddling while sleeping [gross.] smell pantyhose what to do about an irritated pusy [ooooh I dunno...quit fuckin and stay in SCHOOL!? Learn how to SPELL??] breast whip i am freakin' hungry!!! picture of people peeing in there pants [see? there's a theme here...the less educated...the more deranged] get pms tushy english people are sexy marriage sucks for the man [oh please have a glass of Fuck Right Off] my wife sells her nude body [maybe this is WHY your marriage sucks??] do girl guineapigs bleed? [oh. my. GAWD.] ********************************* Write me a Note here. Read my notes here. 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