:: American Angst :: |
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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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Got a phone call this evening from a kid who couldn't have been more than 20, who HAD to have just finished smoking a pound of pot, and who was apparently calling from Grand Central Station, based on the noise in the background. Here's how it went:
Stoner Boy: "May I speak with Gracie please?"
Gracie: "This is she..."
Stoner Boy: "Hi gracie. do you agree that it's a great time to be a republican?"
Gracie: "Okay."
SB: "Uuum...right. Yeah, (papers rustling) see..this is the first time in, like, a long long time that Republicans are in control of the White House and the ...um....the...um..."
Gracie: "Congress?"
SB: "Yeah. And...do you....like...see, since Reagan it's the...like first time....that...it's cool, right?"
Gracie: "If you say so..."
SB: "So Bush is back in office and already the dems are talkin tough n' shit, so like....are you ready to become a full-fledged member of the RNC for two thousand five hundred and seventeen dollars?"
Gracie: "Nope."
SB: "Huh...um...what?"
Gracie: "Yeah, NO."
SB: "Oh."
Gracie: "Buh-bye now." *click*
Dude. LEARN YOUR LINES.
The freakin phone calls I get.
Reminds me of a series of not-really-prank calls I used to get when The Kiddo was about 4 or 5 years old. For about 5 months straight, this woman (who was so old she farted DUST) would call at least 3 or 4 times a week and ask for Gladys. We would tell her that she had the wrong number, but she refused to accept it. She was convinced that we were holding Gladys hostage and one of the many, many forms of torture we were inflicting upon her consisted of not allowing her to speak the Wicked Witch of the South. At first it was annoying...then it became funny. She would become increasingly pissed off and belligerent and would threaten us, hollering that she was going to call the cops if we didn't let her talk to Gladys. Since we aren't nice people, and we were tired of her calling and ignoring the fact that there was no Gladys, we did what any rational people would do: we started fucking with her. We would pretend to BE Gladys; we would make up stories about Gladys and why she couldn't talk ("She's doing a table dance right now...can she call you back?" "She can't come to the phone right now...my husband's ass pimples need sloughing and NOBODY does it better than Gladys, I tell ya!") and so on.
One day I was busy doing laundry or cooking or...something not at ALL productive and the phone rang. The Kiddo was close to the phone and felt that he was the most qualified person to answer it. I did not agree, but he managed to get to it before I could. A few seconds later he hung up and I heard him sigh. I asked WHO was on the phone and WHY he hung up so quickly. He rolled his eyes (as he looooves to do) and threw up one hand, as if to wave away the irritation, and sighed "Ohh, it was that Glad Ass idiot." Heh. Glad ass. He had no frame of reference. We don't know anyone named Gladys, and we have Southern accents, so when we would say Gladys, he heard Glad Ass. (God I love him.)
I don't know what the hell The Kiddo said to her, but she never called again.
Skip this section if you aren't into American Idol:
Yet again, Randy cannot be original and, as such, this year instead of eee-uhhh, eeee-uhhh, doowog comments, it's "sssssssss it was pretty bad for me pitch-wise, man. ssssssss." Why for him only? Course...he does it for the women, too, "It was just awww-ite fuh me."
Amanda did a great job with Tina Turner's song (despite the overpowering thumping she was doing on the microphone that overshadowed her voice.) and Randy did his sucking in of the breath before subtly informing her that because she's white, she isn't da bomb worthy of the pathetic standing ovation he and his bitch Paula loooove to do when kissing black ass.
What I find MOST hilarious is that Simon does the EXACT same thing that Randy does, but in the opposite. He will give lukewarm feedback to the black singers, and Randy will lose. his. shit and argue with Simon, all defiant n' shit. It's amusing as hell to watch, since Randy obviously doesn't get it...that Simon's just giving him a taste of his own medicine. The smirk's a CLUE dawg.
oh GOD Janay sucks. WHY does nobody else seem to get this? WHY is she still here? She hasn't hit a proper note YET...she forgets the words; she whines; she waves her arms so hard when she sings that it affects her voice...come ON. And Paula kept harping on the 'fan-base' that she apparently has and how they NEED to pull her through this ONE bad performance. HelllOOO?? She has sucked since her audition! Send her ass HOME dammit!
I heart Carrie Underwood. And I am SHOCKED that she isn't getting more love from the judges. She is amazing.
And why must Paula get so offended when the contestants are given honest feedback?? She is USE.LESS. I'm sorry to say this, because she has a good heart, but she is so completely unintelligent and it is painfully obvious each and every show. I want to pat her on the head and gently steer her toward a library.
Simon is getting creepy. He is turning into a dirty old man where every other comment to a female contains a (very) thinly veiled sexual innuendo. ...to TEENAGERS. Friggin sicko.
Could someone remind Constantine that he's from the NORTH? This stupid accent he sings with is making me insane. He apparently thinks it's cool or makes him sound better but it. is. effing. annoying.
So I'm finally tired of all the CourTV crime shows and have canceled those Tivo season passes and am now Tivo-ing Oprah and other silly talk shows. And I've noticed something....something irritating that I want to understand, but probably never will.
WHY does Oprah do this....when she is announcing someone or something that she has deemed Big News, she doesn't yell it out like any of us would...no, she suddenly dons this voice whose sound can only be likened to "I Just Got Punched In The Stomach and Am Also Channeling Barry White." and it drives. me. crazy. Want to mimic it? Oh yes you do. Because I spent the last 10 minutes trying to do just that so I could explain the stupidity of this voice, so you need to do it, too. Okay. Expel all your breath. Then use your stomach muscles to press it back in on itself. Finally, in a totally emotionless monotone, but with high volume, scream "TOMCRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUISE!!!!!" Be sure to throw your fist in the air while doing this.
Another memory pops up...a few weeks ago my mother and I were shopping and on the way from one store to another, we were complaining about the stupidity of Atlanta drivers. And she meant to say 'stupidity' but was irritated and speaking quickly, and ended up saying "stupi-DITTY"
I'm sure you can imagine the pleasure this gave me. It is now my favorite new word. Also it's fun to say...in a sing-song voice...stupi-DITTY! stupi-DITTY! stupi-DITTY!
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
meanings of potholder [Okay, okay, the jig is up...the lie needs to end. The truth is that 'potholder' really means 'Taking a long hot shower and using girl soap']
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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