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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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That's it. 6 hours of sleep and THAT is what I get out of it. A slapfest with an American Idol.
Am I the only person that has noticed the striking resemblance between Anthony Lapaglia and Tonya Harding?? Need visual imagery? Let me provide: Clickmeclickmeclickme.
See? TOLD ya.
P.S., Click here for the saaaadest story ever.
what. the. HELL. is up with the new Burger King commercials?! Aside from it being thinly veiled porn...the HELL are they supposed to be saying?? It's a commercial for a chicken bacon cheddar ranch sandwich. I do NOT see how scantily clad women playing on a teeter-totter conveys the message of FOOD. It's just disturbing.
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I watched Fat Actress the other night since there was nothing else on. And it was one of THE most insulting things I've ever seen. I cannot believe that Kirstie Alley is so far gone that she wouldn't have a problem doing this. There is self-deprecating and then there is this. And it was painful. I would have enjoyed seeing her thumb her nose at Hollywood and the media and act in a way that suggested that the media can go screw itself...I'm Fat and I'm healthy and I'm happy and this is what real women are like, so get used to it. But she didn't. The entire show was Kirstie letting all of us know that to be heavy is to be disgusting, to be ridiculed, to be unworthy of love, sex, or work. What a missed opportunity this show was.
Don't get me wrong, there were several funny scenes, but I left the show with the message that I was a lesser human being for not being thin. And frankly...Kirstie can lick my ass for what she did on this show. You have to reeeeeally hate yourself to do some of the jokes she wrote for herself in tonight's show.
So let's recap where Showtime has chosen to go: Drugs (new show called Weeds); lesbian sex and voyeurism (The L Word); Making fun of fat people (Fuckin Fat Actress); but they CANCEL a wickedly funny and intelligent show (Dead Like Me)
Fucking tards. Showtime sucks ASS.
Oh Jesus CHRIST. There is YET ANOTHER BIRD in my house right now. Hopping around on the ceiling beams, driving the dogs insane. And I just do NOT understand how the HELL so many birds appear in my house. WHY? WHAT? WHAT do they want from me????
I've heard that spiritual people...or is it psychic people...say that deceased loved ones send birds to us (among other things) to say "Hi hullo miss ya love ya!" And that's sort of a nice thought, I suppose, but not in my house. NOT IN MY HOUSE. I can just see it now...
"Ohhhh, sweetie, look. It's Grandpa! Hi Grandpa! I love y....Ohhhh. Oh no. Ohhhh, Bailey ate Grandpa! Bailey ATE my grandpa! DO something! SAVE grandpa!!" *chases dog* let. GO. of Grandpa! GIVE him to me! He's MY grandpa! STOP CHEWING! NO CHEWING OF GRANDPA!!"
I couldn't take it.
While working from home yesterday, I was waiting for a conference call and The View was on. I reeeeally do not like this show, because the women really aren't as smart as they believe they are, but whatever. So I'm working and I hear them introduce a nutritionist named Joy Bauer. She's discussing the pros and cons of caffeine, and tells us how many milligrams of said caffeine are in various drinks. Nothin' special, right? Yeah...till she got to the cup of Espresso. Smell what I'm cookin'? That's right, Miss oh-so-smart pronounced it EX-presso. With an 'x'. Tell me...WHERE is the 'x' in espresso? WHY is this such a difficult word for people?
This is the note I sent her, cause I'm so loving:
Sweets? There is NO 'X' in ESPRESSO. If you wish to appear knowledgeable and intelligent, causing people to purchase your book, I would suggest learning the proper pronunciation of the products you're discussing. 'Kay?
Oh that's it. Grandpa just took a nice wet SHIT on my wall. And it's waaaaay up at the top where even my freakin LADDER won't reach! That's it, old man. This is NOT funny.
Since the house we live in is the house I grew up in (we bought it from my parents when we got engaged) I decide to call my mother to complain about her father, who is gleefully diving at my head. She is apparently overjoyed at my predicament.
Gracie's Mom: "NOW aren't you sorry?"
Gracie: "About what? WHAT did I do?"
Gracie's Mom: "Oh you know. You sooo deserve this."
Gracie: "WHAT? HOW do I deserve this??"
Gracie's Mom: "Oh, cause you were a rotten kid."
Gracie: "WHAT??"
Gracie's Mom: "That's right." *laughs at self*
Gracie: "Bitch you craaazy. How does being a rotten kid translate into needing birds dive-bombing your head??"
Gracie's Mom: *cannot stop laughing at Gracie's ordeal* "Oh just ignore it - it will go away."
Gracie: "Uh huh. Tell that to the fucker that keeps angrily swooping at my head and only takes breaks to SHIT on my WALL!"
Gracie's Mom: *laughs a really lot*
*sounds of bird chirping angrily*
Gracie's Mom: "See?? You're giving it a heart attack!"
Gracie: "Hey! I am doing nothing!"
Gracie's Mom: "It could be your GRANDFATHER! BE NICE!!"
Gracie: "Oh you are just soooo helpful."
I'm losing it. I swear I am. I am actually sitting here trying to REASON with a gawdam BIRD. And pointing...I'm POINTING toward the door and asking it -- nicely of course -- to please get outta my house. As though the bird will finally come to its senses and go "Ohhhh, you want me OUT of the house...I'm sorry...I had no idea...let me just flippity-flap right on outta here, then! Toodles!"
I'm not well.
Got the following email last night, which included an attachment called 'photos.zip' yeah....SO not opening that.
Return-Path: [email protected]
When did this happen, hmm? WHEN did life become so bizarre?
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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