:: American Angst :: |
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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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Before we begin, I must tell you that despite the fact that George is the last decent man on earth and I got 'im, and I trust him completely, it was still difficult to hear about these things. I'm human. And I felt things I was ashamed to feel (jealousy...doubt...territorial...) and George...bless his heart...has had to spend some time giving reassurances that must be annoying as hell because of my somewhat surprising (to me at least) feelings. Having said that, I know George and what sort of person he is, and I am not a fool for believing that a man can be offered sex 42 times per day and remain firm in his decision to honor his wife....right?
Kidding. I'm KIDDING.
That outta the way...let's begin:
When traveling to Hong Kong or Vietnam, you may want to keep something in mind regarding how you are viewed by the locals: If you're a white man? You cannot convince them that you're not wealthy. If you're a fat white man? You're beyond wealthy...you're loaded. And if you are a BALD fat white man? You're eccentric and WICKED rich. My George? Was treated like friggin' royalty. He actually had hookers walk up to him, rub his stomach and, wide-eyed, proclaim him Big Boooo-oy! Which, much to George's chagrin, is now his nickname at work. He said that, when he'd walk down the street, or enter a club, he could see the dollar signs spinning in the hookers' eyes. They refused to believe that the shorter, skinnier man accompanying George was the boss. They giggled and poo-poo'd him, and continued to offer to be his girlfriend...tried to sit in his lap. He even had one (rather fat, squat, unattractive) hooker offer "No muh-neee...fuh fleee...I jus be his guhfrien for night!" and refused to take no for an answer. Considering the description he gave of this woman, it's no wonder she was so aggressive...it was the only way she'd make money; harass the men until she wore them down and they gave her cash just to get her to shut up and go away. George had been turning down hookers for weeks at this point and his patience was wearing thin. So he had his guide translate the following to her. The guide giggled and didn't say anything, but George insisted that he translate word for word: "Tell her that if I were going to cheat on my wife and ruin my marriage, it wouldn't be with someone as ugly as she is." As you can imagine, THAT finally did the trick and, after a particularly dirty look, she turned on her heel and moved on to the next unsuspecting Amellican Binness Man.
The other person that traveled with George got a kick out of haggling with the hookers. He had no intention of utilizing their services, but spent quite a bit of time talking them down from their prices...he would hem and haw and ask the translator to ask them this or that or what he'd get. He'd haggle them down to what amounted to roughly $1.50 US and, fifteen minutes later...after all that work and when they had finally agreed to his price, he'd say "Naaaahhhh" and walk away. Heh. Mean lil fucker, eh?
The women were shameless and hard-selling HOs. Not like American hookers who hang out in the dark parts of town, against brick walls waiting to be asked for a 'date'. Over there they'll walk right up to you, grab you and try to pull you inside. Here's one of the many exchanges as a prostitute grabbed him:
George: "No boom-boom."
Asiaslut: "Buh why-eeee?"
George: *Shows wedding band*
Asiaslut: "Me no care!"
George: "Oooh *I* care."
Asiaslut: "She no mattuh! Me yo guhfren too-nigh!"
George: "No No No." *Points to crotch. Points to forehead. Slams palm against forehead to imply that his wife would staple his balls to his forehead if he were to partake.*
Another time George was walking along and a Filipino woman honked his chest and said, in awe, "Suso! Suso!" which is the Filipino word for boobie. Man...you have to have some pretty thick skin to hang out over there without being insulted and depressed, ay?
One of my favorite parts of George's trip abroad was the night the Vietnamese people in the office (roughly 60 people) took him and the Hooker-Haggling Coworker out drinking for many, many hours and, after he had managed to drink every one of them under the table, he went back to his hotel and called me. George is funny anyway, but when he's drunk? Ohhhh, he's a riot. He kept trying to mimic what the people at the club had said...in their language...and the words they used for the toast before doing a bottoms-up shot "Mo Hi Bi Yo!" He was a bit loud and suddenly stopped his story to wonder if perhaps the people in the rooms near his were thinking that he was the guy who brought the one retarded hooker in all of Saigon up to his room and was givin' it to her good? Yeah...I don't know either. The best part of the conversation was when he said the word 'anomaly' and then spent about 3 or 4 minutes informing me of how awesome that was for a drunk guy to correctly use such a great word. I believe it was more like "izzzhha hear DAT?? I said 'nomaly! Aaaannn I said it RIGHT an USED it right! Purry good fer a drunk guy, eh?" Which was cute, but what made it better -- for me, anyway -- was that he had NO idea that, just 20 seconds prior to his genius use of 'anomaly', he said the word 'prelavent' instead of 'prevalent'. Heh. He make me laugh long time.
George was kind enough to allow me to post a few pictures from the Vietnam leg of his trip. Click 'n enjoy!
Tune in tomorrow when I will share with you the hilarious translations on cheap DVD cases from Hong Kong.
American Idol: Carrie won! Yay! I was right all along! I rawk! I haven't finished watching the whole show finale yet...was at a play that night and George Tivo'd it for me, so I'll comment more once I've had time to watch it.
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
a woman's place is up the arse
shifty- side alone side
girls pooping american [pooping american WHAT??]
i think diary fuck pisses me off
the woman tried to cheer someone up
dog fucking women pitchers [softball or baseball?]
shirt tearing
biiiig tits
biker girl nicknames
snarling vitriol in her ear
corey clark is shit
no men pee
country pussy
gross me out porn
sexy poolboy
ass ass woman yahoo com fucking
ding dong porn girls
i like pooping my pants
piss angel
dunking donuts etiquette
asshead alert
ryan seacrest murder
pretending to be a midget
why do people say "oh jesus christ"
what is a dentist called
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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