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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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So George and I were on our way back to work from having lunch together, and I asked him to stop at a gas station so I could pick up a few things. Couldn't be happier with the station he chose. Why? Ohhhh, let me share.
As I get out of the car, I notice a mini-van with New York plates. This is the same mini-van that, moments earlier, completely blocked us from our straight path to the parking places, forcing us to back up and go aaaaall the way around to the other entrance. So yeah. I'm already irritated with the woman driving, and am preparing my face for the time-honored delivery of The Look. I am thwarted, though, as she isn't looking up at me, no matter how many thought waves I send her way insisting that she look up and accept The Look like a woman! I quickly forget my goal as I realize what she is so engrossed with: pumping gas. Now, this may not seem like a complicated effort, but you would be wrong. See...the pump she's using is out of order. And I did not glean this fact through osmosis, oh no. I put two and two together when I saw THE HUGE FREAKIN YELLOW BAGS PLACED OVER EVERY SINGLE PUMP!
Do you think the yellow bags stopped our friend the moron? Nope. Not even slightly. Oh, she was confused, but undeterred. Let me lay it out for you in steps, in case you wish to cause uproarious laughter to other gas patrons as she so sweetly did for me and aaaall the people in the store, including the clerks. TEARS of laughter, people:
Step 1: Forget to pop your gas tank.
Step 2: Go back to driver's side and reach into vehicle to pop gas tank.
Step 3: Study yellow bags for a moment.
Step 4: Realize that you have left your wallet in the car.
Step 5: Go back to car and get wallet.
Step 6: Slide ATM card into reader and quickly yank back out.
Step 7: Notice that nothing happens.
Step 8: Stare at ATM card and bite lower lip.
Step 9: Try again.
Step 10: Stare at card without biting lip, but increase agitated look.
Step 11: Try again, but this time slide it in upside down, in case the installer was too stupid to place card reader properly.
Step 12: Notice again that nothing is happening.
Step 13: SHAKE the CARD in case the atoms got rearranged incorrectly.
Step 14: Try again, but with card backwards.
Step 15: Decide that gas is free today and put ATM card back in wallet.
Step 16: Pick up one of the three yellow-bagged nozzles.
Step 17: Place into your gas tank (yes, still with the yellow bag over it.)
Step 18: Come to the conclusion that the free gas isn't going to pump on sheer will and pull nozzle back out.
Step 19: Shake nozzle.
Step 20: Stare at nozzle.
Step 21: Stare at ATM screen to see if any notes from the aliens have posted yet.
Step 22: Put hands on hips (still holding nozzle in right hand) and glare at clerk.
Step 23: Point nozzle at clerk and shake wildly, then use nozzle to point toward your vehicle, clearly indicating that shit had BETTER start working and QUICKLY.
Step 24: Do not notice clerks and patrons holding stomachs while laughing.
Step 25: Decide that perhaps it's the yellow bag that is hindering your progress.
Step 26: POKE HOLE through yellow bag and slide it down the nozzle (pleased that you are first to use the pump today, apparently, since it's newly cleaned, just like a toilet in a hotel room!)
Step 27: Place nozzle back in car.
Step 28: Just for kicks, this time let's position the flow to FULL and set it in the notch that will cause it to stop only when full.
Step 29: Stare at ATM screen.
Step 30: Begin talking to ATM screen.
Step 31: Remove nozzle, but not before tapping it in the tank to make sure all drops (that have not come out at ALL, mind you) are left in your tank and not on the ground.
Step 32: Place nozzle back in its groove and turn to get back in car.
Step 33: Pretend not to notice weird blonde girl laughing hysterically who also happens to be taking pictures.
Step 34: Drive away.
I am not kidding people. This person managed not only to get from New York to Atlanta, but through life in general not knowing about Out of Order gas bags. Someone granted this person a driver's license.
I know!!
I'll post the pictures when I get the chance to develop them.
Someone Arrived Here Searching For: meaning of 'macarthurs park' song
[Now, that alone isn't strange. What IS disturbing is that my stats are overloaded with the same person doing this search over SIX HUNDRED times. Literally. SIX HUNDRED PLUS. IT MEANS NOTHING! IT WAS A SONG FROM THE DISCO ERA! LET IT GO!]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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