:: American Angst :: |
||||||
|
|
 Join the Angst Update List and get email when I update my site Praise? Suggestions? Vitriol? Email Me! |
Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
||||
|
P.S., Thank you to all who have written over the last month. It's going to take me a few weeks to get caught up on them all and to reply, but I am working my way through them and you will hear from me in the near future. Swaytuhgawd!
George and I want to reignite the advice column, so please send in your questions, dilemmas, life-changing, Jerry Springer-like problems to us through email and we will print them and tell you what to do. And not that bullshit Dear Ann Landers/Dear Abby lame-ass, lazy 'Get counseling and if he won't go with you, go alone!' crap. You'll get brutally honest, frank advice; advice that you may not like hearing, but frank advice you KNOW you need to hear. We tell it like it is. George and I get asked for advice pretty often and people are (almost) always appreciative of the help and tend to say things like "Wow. I never thought of it that way!" or "You are SO right! Why didn't I think of this/do this sooner!?". Let us extend our wondermous gift to you. Uht? Whassat? That sounded arrogant? Self-important? Well of course it did! Who better to dole out advice?? Duh.
Send your questions to [email protected]. (*Letters may be edited for length and to protect the identity of individuals. Also, don't worry too much about the spelling/grammar. That isn't the point of this exercise. Submission of the letter signifies your consent to posting on public website. We will not, however, post your real name, email address, or other identifying information.)
Conversation between George and Gracie after a discussion of Ann Coulter and how she completed blasted some idiot reporter (who was too ignorant to even recognize that he'd been shown up.):
George: *after giggling and wiggling and getting all teenage-boy-like over Her Greatness* "siiiigh. Y'know, there's only maybe one or two guys in the WORLD that could be married to her..."
Gracie: "Yep, and YOU are already taken!"
George: "Oh ho ho! not ME!"
Gracie: "No?"
George: "No WAY!"
Gracie: "Why not?"
George: "'Cause she's too good for me!"
Gracie: *eyes narrow*
George: *suddenly realizes how that sounded* "Nonowait! not GOOD...good. I mean...ya know...like..."
Gracie: "Uh huh..."
George: "I mean I couldn't handle all the arguing...i'd be totally walked all over cause she'd win every fight! *glances hopefully at Gracie to see if she bought it*
Gracie: *realizes that SHE could TOTALLY use this for Evil Purposes, but decides to give George's balls a break from all the bustin'. Instead she rolls her eyes in the maritally understood fashion that denotes 'I have decided that it's not worth the effort to win this one, but we BOTH know that you totally could have been blasted for that. Also you're cute and I'm crazy in love with you so we'll just pretend it was wicked funny and let it go'*
George and I watched Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds for the first time the other night and nearly pissed ourselves laughing. All I could remember was years of hearing my mother shudder at the mention of this movie and how terrifying it had been when she saw it as a young girl. I knew it wouldn't scare me, but I love most Hitchcock movies and thought it would at least be cool and a little eerie. Ohhhh was I wrong. The special effects were just awful. I know that back then (and with nothing more advanced to compare it to) must've made the movie's effects seem realistic to viewers...or at least believable in that 'willing suspension of disbelief' sort of way, but in present day? Not EVEN able to pretend. The word SUCKITUDE comes to mind. In addition to the shit graphics, we have the dialogue. Ohhhh did we have dialogue. Sexist is too mild a word. Not only did the women ACT like submissive, ignorant morons, but they were treated that way by the men in movie, as well. Here are just a few lines from the movie (and our comments along with them):
To give a little back-story for those who aren't aware, Suzanne Pleshette is in this movie and her character reeeeally had the hots for the leading male but, for whatever reason, it didn't quite work out. Even so, this moron moved to another city just to be near the jackass and then proceeds to get all stalker-ish and pissy about the women in his life. This was to be no exception. Tippi Hedren comes to their town to follow said male lead (character's name: Mitch) to play a precious little joke on him by breaking into his house to deliver a cage of birds for his little sister. Does this not sound idiotic just RIGHT off the bat?? I know!
Toward the beginning of the movie, as Melanie (Tippi's character) is driving up the highway toward Mr. Man (Mitch) we are given first a long shot of her car, then they switch to the inside where we see alternate views of her driving, then of the BIRDS in the cage on the floor. The first time I cracked up was when I heard, over and over again, squealing tires and revving of the engine. This wouldn't be so funny had she not been driving slowly, LEISURELY even, with a look of utter peace and contentment on her face. Yet it sounds as though she's O.J. running from the PO-lice. The next moment, when I nearly wet myself, was when they panned to the caged lovebirds on the floorboard. They were obviously fake birds, but the humor entered whenever Melanie would drive around a curve. The birds would leeeeean to one side as the curve began and then would leeeeean to the other side as the curve completed. It was pointless, completely fake, and utterly hilarious. And yes, I made George rewind it twice just so I could giggle at the absurdity.
So anyway, after Melanie performs her little stunt, she goes back to the main town and, on the way, gets attacked by a seagull and can't drive home (there may be another reason she chose to stay in Bodega Bay, but it obviously wasn't important --or good-- enough of a reason for me to remember) and ends up staying with Suzanne's character (Annie Hayworth) who, let me just tell ya, is --inexplicably-- acting as though The Birds is, in fact, a freakin' PORN film. She's all swaying and thrusting her chest, leering with lust at Melanie and I am getting all SORTS of creeped out, especially since, as you can see below, the dialogue is completely innocuous. To assuage the increasing Ick Factor, George and I begin making jokes and inserting New and Improved dialogue into the movie. Turns out it's WAY better that way! Let's listen in, shall we?
In the following scene, Melanie has convinced Mitch's ex to let her stay the night in her available room (Annie had a sign in her window advertising for a 'boarder'). They are discussing Mitch, the failed relationship between him and Annie, and Melanie's NEW relationship with Mitch. Again, there is a baffling sexuality to this exchange between the women, and George and I both started dubbing the movie:
Annie: No, I don't think so. You see, she's not afraid of losing Mitch. She's only afraid of being abandoned.
Melanie: Someone ought to tell her she'd be gaining a daughter.
Annie: No, she already has a daughter.
Melanie: What about Mitch? Didn't he have anything to say about this?
Annie: Well, I can understand his position. He'd just been through a lot with Lydia after his father died. He didn't want to risk going through it all again...
Melanie: Oh, I see.
Annie: ...though it ended - and not right then, of course. We went back to San Francisco, saw each other now and then, but we both knew it was over.
Melanie: And what are you doing here in Bodega Bay?
Annie: I wanted to be near Mitch. Oh, it was over and done with and I knew it, but I still wanted to be near him. You see, I still like him a hell of a lot and I don't want to lose that friendship.
Gracie: "Now I massage your chest. Duh dun duuuuuun Now let's make out, you sexy bitch!"
George: "Movies would be so much better with more lesbian porn!!"
Need more proof of the 'You See' frequency than that above? That was just in one quick conversation. Here's more. Just do a CTRL+F and type 'you see' without the quote marks. And that's just the quotes that the guy listed on his site! Every 4 minutes some idiot in this movie would say "You See...". Friggin WHY??
In this scene, we see Mitch's eleven-year-old sister running to the house, finding her birds, running outside, just generally, you know, running about. And this girl's teeth are...frightening. Huge, nothing resembling real, and so white you'd think that she had a hobby of blowing nuclear reactors in her spare time. Mitch is coming back from the gate or the lake or somewhere and it's dark and his sister is there and...there are her friggin' teeth. Also, can we just pause for a moment to recall how, in movies of yore (read: up till around the '70s when cameras were able to handle shooting at night) they would shoot the scene in the middle of the day, but would then darken the film to simulate nighttime. It was ridiculously awful, you could totally see that it wasn't nighttime because, really, how many people squint and shield their eyes from the MOON??
Here's a comment on this scene with Mitch and his sister:
Gracie: *As though she was Mitch, referring to his sister* "It's dark, don't you think I KNOW that? I DO! But it's okay! I can find my way! I see by way of her teeth! She smiles till I arrive!!"
We then move to the Silly Stupid Women (aren't we all?) asking Big Ole Mr. Man unanswerable questions. For instance:
Mitch's mother, sister, Mitch, and Melanie are all holed up in the mother's house, hiding from The Evil Birds. A particularly frightening attack occurs (puuuh-hhaaahahaha) and Lydia (Mitch's mother, remember) freaks OUT, totally losing her proverbial shit, and begins whining at her son:
Lydia: "Meeee-uhtch? WHY are they doing this? Why? What do they want??"
Mitch: "I don't know."
Lydia: "But WHY, Meeee-uhtch? WHY are they doing this? Why?"
George's Interjection: "Where are they going? What do they want? What are they like? WHO are they, really? Also, what's the temperature RIGHT NOW in the China sea?"
Gracie's Interjection: "Well, uuuuhhhhh...let me just check my penis here...yep, yep 42!!!"
At another point we are shown the school. It's a one-room school, apparently, with about 30 kids and a teacher. You wouldn't think it was a small, one-room deal, considering the hugeness of the building we see in the outside shot, but when Melanie (who goes there to pick up Mitch's sister to ease the anxiety of Lydia) goes inside, we see that there is only one class going on. This is further confirmed when they all freak out and go running down the street..yep...just the kids in that class. What? You don't understand why a bunch of people would run OUTSIDE when the Evil Rotten Stinkin' Eye-Peckin' Birds are right outside? HellOOO? Did I not tell you up there that women are stupid?? So yeah. When Melanie arrives, she sees the birds congregating on the monkey bars. She goes inside to tell the teacher of the growing development and instead of doing something intelligent, like moving to the auditorium or something, they come to the (typically female, let's not forget) conclusion that they should, instead "Get the HELL out of the safety of this BRICK schoolhouse and run in the open streets!!" where they are all attacked by birds...children included. Duh.
I will leave you with three final thoughts/random musings/hilarity at the hands of Mr. Hitchcock and his damned birds:
Ohhhh, you've just GOTTA see this movie.
Also, the ending will PISS you OFF.
You're welcome!
I've been gone so long and, as usual, the search terms have backed up exponentially, so the search terms list will be pretty extensive for a while. Enjoy the dementia my peeps!
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
pee and poo positions
husband eats wifes turds
moms and enemas
wifes who fuck other men so husband can lick [lick WHAT?? what the HELL does this have...ya know what? nevermind.]
what is correct preventive or preventative? [preventive. never EVER preventative]
finally wore pantyhose [high five! woohoo! Freakdom achIEVED!]
fart finoh
ways to pee
vacuum tits
squirrel fuck
nose ass
the way of brick
women fart at work [uhhh, nuh-UH! some of us have developed serious stomach issues as a result of NOT farting at work --or in front of our men, friends, family, the dogs, etc. It's the ONLY way to be a true woman.]
ting fries are done
fine ass smarty pants comebacks and insults
empanada delight
my girl ass stinks
why do boys like girls boobs
passive agressive boyfriend
poke me man porn
american hookers
is it okay for my wife to fuck the dog [only if you're okay with the fact that he may do it better than you]
has your supervisor or superior ever fucked your wife
smelling old woman's butt
sexy ways to pee
my wife wants to fuck a animal
sisters boobs growing huge
funny televangelist
forced to smell your mom's stinky feet
porn me up ya
"my tits" embarrassing
gum sucking girls
alcohol up woman's ass
he's so dumb...
lick me momma
woman's ass in tight pants
girls kick nuts
can moth balls make you sick? [hey...if you can manage to get their little legs apart?? it's WORTH the resulting nausea, don'tcha think??]
ass is ass dont be so picky
speedy gonzales is a stupid bitch
mr. happy pants
sexy men grabbing their crotch [in the history of TIME this has never, not ONCE, been sexy. EVER.]
"cool whip" import
porn fucking can be done in many ways [ohhhh, thanks!]
squirrel feces pictures
i have to pee so bad i am doing a pee dance [and yet...you had time to TYPE THIS INTO A SEARCH ENGINE! Assclown]
photo "old man" butt -gay
sexy stink feet
how to lure womens for fuck [by being everything OPPOSITE of who you are]
boob milk spraying
american girl kick men in the nuts
girls take a shit in there panties and poop [they shit AND poop? Now THAT is talent, my friend!]
catsuit porn
married fertile pussy [I can only IMAGINE the wedding pictures...]
"worst porn ever"
kinder und angst
who was the dumbass that coined tomkat?
retarded patty
what where cheerleaders doing in bathroom
word for a stalker who chases people to take pictures of them
growing boob game -cancer
why dont girls stink
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
Much love to: BlogSkins, Rick (the design), and (of
course) Powered
by Diaryland(TM) | ||||||
