:: American Angst :: |
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Puttin' the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!! It's the holidays! Time for Ding Fries Are Done! |
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As I've mentioned before, we have squirrels that are not only possessed by demons, but who are also intent on living, rent-free, in our chimney walls. I don't know if this is a law everywhere, but here? It's totally illegal to kill the little fuckers. You have to pay someone to come out and trap the ones they can catch and drive them somewhere far, far away from your home and dump them there. Nice, eh? We haven't done this yet since we've been busy and also it seems useless since we live in a gawdam forest and there are squirrels everywhere, all the time. We'd go freakin' broke. So lately the squirrels have become much more active, most likely due to the upcoming winter. I was working from home the other day and was going inSANE over the sound of them diving into the chimney walls, falling ass over teakettle onto the metal base, and the horrific and homicidal-rage-inducing sound of them CHEWING through the WOOD. The dogs were also going batshit since there is a window just to the side of the chimney and the squirrels climb down the wall and use the window ledge as a hopping off point. So the dogs can put their noses against the glass and are within inches of the rodents. Ohhhhhh how nuts they go. They do not understand the concept of glass, let me just tell you. They repeatedly slam their heads against the window and also use their paws to smack at the squirrels. They pounce, they wag their tails, they bark. It's very cute, at least on the DOG end of things, but this game can go on for HOURS. So I decided that George should share in this joy. I took pictures of the dogs and, a few times, of the squirrels, and sent them through email to George at work, which resulted in the following exchange:
-----Original Message-----
George called me a little bit later and we were discussing his latest idea on how to remedy the situation. He has decided that he will purchase a box or twelve of moth balls, drop them down into the holes they've chewed, which should lure the squirrels out. Once they're gone, he will fill the holes with this expanding foam/caulk concoction we've seen used before and that should take care of it...at least temporarily. As we are wont to do, we began discussing how wrong things could go with the plan. The subject of being face-molested by an angry and newly evicted squirrel and the subsequent FALLING off a long-ass ladder was humorously discussed.
Gracie: "I swear i won't take pictures. I mean it this time."
George: "Riiiiight! I can see it now...the lil fucker pokes his head out as I'm spraying in there...latches onto my head...wraps itself around my face...and then I fall. I'm laying there bleeding to death...scratches on my EYEBALLS and yooooou takin' pictures."
Gracie: "Would not!"
George: "Uh-huh"
Gracie: "I think you should get a coupla air mattresses."
George: "Why??"
Gracie: "For protection."
George: *Crickets chirping*
Gracie: "And you wouldn't even hafta lay 'em around on the ground. We could just DUCT tape em to ya! Then you wouldn't hafta aim as you're falling!!"
George: "Yeaaahhh...NOTED."
Gracie: *Laughs a lot at the mental image...and George's 'Noted' comment*
George: "Ooo, wouldn't it be funny if one accidentally stayed in there when I sprayed the foam?? and it got all SOLIDIFIED???"
Gracie: "Gross."
George: "It'd be FUNNY."
Gracie: "No it wouldn't...it'd be GROSS!"
George: "Tchuh. It wouldn't be in the HOUSE."
Gracie: "Oh. Yes. Thank you. Cause THAT makes it less CRUEL."
It's odd how our conversations always seem to go from 'normal' to 'rapidly downhill'.
Note I received from Cindy regarding the Uphill Both Ways entry. I nearly cried at her mother's comment. What an amazing woman.
-----Original Message-----
Couldn't you just cry over that???
On a much more DISTURBING level, here is another email exchange:
-----Original Message-----
Rest assured, I will do my best to avoid the hateful witch, but on those occasions when the devil himself assists her in seeking me out, I will post the self-esteem-crushing incidents here. Stay tuned.
This year for our wedding anniversary, I decided to get George something fantastic. Well...fantastic for HIM. I got him a gift certificate for skydiving. It's something he's always wanted to do but never did. Especially after we got together. He felt that it would be irresponsible since he had a family now and so he put the desire away. I appreciated that, what with my tremendous fears of everything, especially flying, abandonment, and DEATH. But lately it has occurred to me that not only could any of us be hurt or even killed just driving to work every day, but this isn't about *me*. We should always be cognizant of our loved ones and be responsible and cautious, but we should also be careful not to ignore our dreams. And besides, if it were *my* dream, George wouldn't stand in my way. Not a bit. He deserved this, so I bought the certificate for him before I could think of all the horrible things that could happen as a result, causing me to instead buy him boxer shorts and socks.
He was quite surprised, to say the least. Especially since I was unable to wait until our actual anniversary to tell him what I'd bought. I just couldn't stand it, especially with the chance that he'd see the certificate in the mail and the surprise would be ruined. He was very happy once the shock wore off and he realized that I was serious. And I chose to pretend that I didn't hear (or feel sick inside) when he made the off-handed comment "Hmmm...I should probably write up a will before I jump...yeah...definitely."
So a couple of days later we were on our way back to the office from lunch and I was doing this rare thing called DRIVING. George usually drives everywhere we go and by 'everywhere' I mean...even to the mailbox. He has this ...thing...about me and my abilities. See...he doesn't think I HAVE any. He's wrong, clearly, but I find it's easier to just let him drive than to have the same old argument...the one he refuses to believe...wherein I insist that usually I drive perfectly, but not only are my nerves on edge knowing that he's gonna get all jumpy, but hey! the car drives MUCH differently when there's more than ONE person in the car. It's SO true, but he just won't open his mind. So...driving back to the office. This idiot in an Expedition who was --of COURSE-- on the PHONE, kept yanking in front of me and cutting other people off as well. I got so fed up that, as Ms. Moron Du Jour was swerving into my lane for the 4th time, I sped up and got right up onto her tail. I have this theory that one day these idiots will look into their rear-view mirrors and see me on their ass and their heart will skip a beat and they'll realize that they weren't paying attention and could have been in an accident and will shape up. Again, I realize that I am not Reeeeally the World Police, but hey...if THEY won't learn on their own, well...then why shouldn't I help them do so?? So anyway, I get up on her tail and I hear a curiously familiar sound coming from the passenger seat. Familiar because it's the sound I frequently make when MY ass is parked in that seat. I look over and see George squirming and wincing. Aaaaand he's doing the sucking-in-of-the-breath action that I have become so famous for.
George: "Uuuumm...you DO see those fast approaching cars, riiiight?"
Gracie: *Chuckles* "Yep"
George: "Feel like, maybe, oh, I dunno....STOPPING soon??"
Gracie: "I've TOTALLY got things under control here"
George: *Raises eyebrows and blinks rapidly*
Gracie: "Ohhhh, stop. We're fine."
George: "Oh yee-uhhh?"
Gracie: "YES. And besides, YOU drive like this all the time!"
George: "Chuh!! Nyyyy-oooohhhhhh."
Gracie: *Laughing* Uh-huh. You SO do."
George: "Ohhhh, so that's a good enough excuse to make me SOIL myself??"
Gracie: "Let me get this straight. You'll jump out of a PLANE, but MY steering abilities make you soil yourself, is that right??"
George: "Hehehehe. Uhhhh...yup."
Ahhhh, married bliss. It ain't for the faint of heart.
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
bound and gagged while cross dressed
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funny thumbs
lesbian fart smelling
frozen poop picture
ass dong fuck
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girls poop office or work or cubicle or restroom
demi moore twat [and I thought *I* was snotty. wow.]
got to choose
eating wife's shit [which is, likely, only a TENTH of the shit she eats from YOU. Shit you don't even REALIZE she eats...things that you are probably blissfully unaware that you even DO. So shut it. Oh wait...you probably meant PORN, didn't you? Sick bastard. She deserves a medal either way.]
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pitchurs of how to have sex
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"have you read my best seller" [nope, but if YOU publish mine, I'LL read YOURS]
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god i need to pee soooo bad now!
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man's feces poop bakery
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is it bad to have chocolate milk before beddy by time
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... [seriously...that was a search term '...' friggin people.]
american girls says please fuck me [aaaaand can't have more than 10 hits without a chauvinistic Indian guy searching for everything but what they have.]
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supper ass pooping
sexy email noises
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feline hiccups
funny compliments
why people renew their vows
fart pee poo shit
embarrassing stomach growls
funny nude mamas
humiliated husband lick
judge my boobs
i want to fuck a nurse [just make sure it's not the one who hates her job...]
she used to be a stripper
lick me where i pee [how romantic]
teach my ass thumbs [hey! how come *I* don't have ass thumbs???]
judge my thong
white girls vs. latina girls [looking for a list of pros and cons?]
dirtiest black mama boob
cute sayings about picking up dog poop
deaf make funny faces
men are idiots
glad ass
my wife's lover fucked me in the ass [please PLEASE get a divorce lawyer...then help...lots and LOTS of help]
vote nude [republican or democrat??]
mama's boobs song [ew]
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farting dentist [EW!]
ear plugs funny [the definition of an easy crowd...]
"hair dryer" + sex + "setting" - hand + curlers [okay...some of you people need to get JOBS. Seriously.]
"enjoyment ass"
granny flaps
frog tits
take a crap secretly
squirrels in porn outfits [that's it. I'm done]
Last 5 Entries:
How Much Are YOU Worth? - Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 Perfume and Lazy Bastards.... - Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006 Like Poop Through a Goose.... - Saturday, Dec. 31, 2005 Bling and Bullets.... - Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 Get Into The Frickin Spirit.... - Friday, Dec. 23, 2005
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